Multifaceted Mama

Since my last post, I have pretty much dropped trying to put on a happy face when I don’t feel it.  I don’t know if it is going to help much in the long run, but my change in attitude has definately been noticed by just about everyone in the house.  I can’t count the number of times Corey or even one of the kids has asked me if I am okay, simply because I don’t smile as much and I am so quiet.  But I don’t have enough in me anymore to pretend that everything is peachy.  Sad though it may be, it is amazing how much energy is spent in pretending, energy I just don’t have anymore.  And what is the point of pretending anyway?  The only reason I did was because I usually feel like I have to walk on eggshells around Corey and even the kids sometimes just to avoid even more pain, conflict, and drama.  All it really did was allow everyone around me to further trivialize and dismiss my feelings.  But I deserve more than that and I guess I finally realized that if I don’t give myself more than that than why should they?  So no more pretending, no more dismissing my feelings.  I am still pretty miserable, but I feel so much stronger in some ways.

I have barely blogged at all this month, but it certainly isn’t for lack of trying.  Every time I sit down and open up my admin panel to write, my mind either goes blank or I can’t think of anything to write that is fit for public consumption.  I miss writing because my blog is my best “therapeutic” outlet, but I just can’t seem to get the words from my mind to the keyboard.  There is just so much going on in my head and in my life right now and sometimes I feel so lost that it’s hard to remember which way is up.  Sorting it all out has become almost an obsession, a necessary one if I am going to remain even remotely sane.  It seems like every time I make two steps forward, something happens to make me take four steps back.  All I want is to get out of this hole I feel like I am in, and it just doesn’t help to constantly feel like I am being pushed back.  I don’t even know what to do about it anymore and I am so emotionally exhausted that it is ridiculous.  I have never been a sad person in general, but I can’t count the number of times a day when I just want to curl up and bawl.  That is just not me, and I hate it.  Something has to change, if not with the situation then with me.  Somehow I have to find a little peace and happiness or I am going to lose my mind.  It is like a vicious circle, though.  I know I need to get in touch with my spirituality again, and really feel it again.  I feel like I have lost any connection I once had to my spirituality and I know that doesn’t help that lost feeling I carry with me.  But I am so blah and disheartened by everything else going on in my life that I can’t find the energy or the desire to put the work necessary into it.  Sometimes I really hate being solitary in my beliefs, because it makes finding my way that much harder.

Sometimes there are moments when my heart is touched and my faith in humanity is at least temporarily restored.  The best of those moments come from unexpected people at unexpected times, and I am sure that the person who gave me this moment doesn’t even realize how much it meant to me.  But it is those little things that mean so me, something my own family just doesn’t seem to get or care about.

I get so little appreciation from my own family that when I get it from someone else, it truly touches me.  I guess that is kind of a sad statement on my value within my family, huh?!  And I have to admit, it made me resent my family a little.  It almost highlights how badly I get treated in my own home, and that is just demoralizing.  I have spent far too long fighting to be treated decently in my house and the fact that I am still fighting that battle hurts my heart in ways they just don’t understand.  Part of me resents the hell out of the fact that I have to fight this hard to be treated like I am worth something, but the other part of me wonders if this is all I deserve. 

But this isn’t just about my family.  It’s about my whole life and the people I have been close to in my past, friends and lovers alike.  I have a bad habit of accepting and forgiving people and situations that don’t necessarily deserve that acceptance and forgiveness.  And it always costs me my own happiness and another piece of my spirit.  I hate feeling like this and would like to believe that I deserve better, but when it happens over and over again?  When you put your heart and soul into something and the situation never gets better?  At what point do you finally accept that you really aren’t worth the effort it would apparently take to love you?  I know full well that I can be too accepting and understanding, but it is a part of me and I don’t know how to change it without losing another piece of myself.  I also don’t want to accept that maybe I am not worth the effort, but sometimes I think the only way I am going to find any peace is to give up and accept it.

Happy New Year!  It is 2010, and I can only hope that this year is better than last!  Having Soldier Daddy home is definately a good start, however!!  ♥  We rang it in with good friends and adult beverages at midnight, after a night of laughter, so much that I was pretty sure that at some point I was going to have a very embarrassing accident!  But, fortunately for my ego, I did NOT pee myself!!

I never make resolutions for the new year, because they always tend to be grandiose and impossible to meet.  So, instead I make goals, big and small.  I believe in learning from the past, but shedding the negativity and starting afresh each year and that is exactly what I had in mind when I made my goals for the year.

1. Lose weight and take better care of myself, at whatever weight I might be.  (I kind of think this is a standard issue goal for 90% of the women out there, but hey!)
2. Find a way to get in better touch with my spirituality.  This one has been a goal for a while and I have been failing miserably, mainly because I haven’t paid it the attention it deserves.  But I feel like I need to get grounded in it again.
3. Let some things go that are serving no purpose other than overwhelming me with negativity.  I have actually made a huge step on this one in one area, and it makes me feel so good!