Multifaceted Mama

It’s still August, but is definately feels like fall is here already.  Summer weather didn’t even really hit until the end of it and now it is getting cold!  WTH?!  This was the last full week of school for my yard apes, since they start back next Thursday.  Ka’lani has his middle school orientation on Monday morning , they get their “back to school” haircuts on Tuesday , and Ka’lani starts modified cross-country practice Wednesday afternoon. Then it is up at 0530 for me starting Thursday!!  Oh, yay! 

Corey flies back to Afghanistan at the butt crack of dawn on Monday.  15 days just goes by too damn fast.  R&R is almost too much of a tease, especially for the kids.  No sooner do they get used to having him home and he has to go back for months on end.  That is hard on a kid.  Although, it never ends up being quite as hard as I always expect it to be.  I guess that comes with being used to it.  We have a routine and we stick to it, which helps give them that sense of consistency and normalcy.  Plus it helps that school starts right after he leaves, which makes for a good distraction.

And that is about all that is going on around here!

Reconnecting with the ex has been awkward, but hasn’t really been a bad thing.  I am a big believer in not holding grudges or anger.  I don’t necessarily think you have to get to the point of being best friends with someone that has wronged you, but carrying grudges and the anger is just draining and changes nothing about the situation.  Don’t get me wrong; I definately had harbored some serious hurt and anger and I felt thoroughly betrayed for a lot of reasons.  But during this time, my grandfather died and it brought a lot of things into better focus.  I realized that life was short and you could lose those you loved in a heart beat.  I also realized that I deserved more than what I was getting and that if he couldn’t remain faithful and honest, than I needed to move on and not accept less than what I deserved.  So by the end of the divorce, the anger and hurt I had felt for the things that led us to divorce no longer mattered to my day to day life and I had come to terms with it.  I thought that things were to the point where we could live our own lives but still both be good parents to our son.  But things didn’t work out that way AT ALL.

I guess I can’t have my cake and eat it, too, but on some level, it still bothers me that there has been no real acknowledgement of the elephant in the room.  That elephant being our son, the same one that he has made no effort to see since the child was just a couple months old and who is now approaching 13.  I know he is going through some personal things right now and I understand that, especially since the phrase of what goes around, comes around is certainly true in the situation.  I feel for him, because I know that kind of pain and betrayal first hand, and no one deserves to feel like that, no matter how they have lived their life.  But I guess it just hurts my heart and soul as a mother to see my son not acknowledged in any way.  The ex has a beautiful younger daughter, and, as far as he is concerned, she is his only child.  It is like my son never even existed in his life or in his heart and that there are no regrets in how he handled being his parent.  But my son is innocent in all of this and didn’t deserve to be forgotten.  I realize that this only bothers me, since my son has never known his bio-father, but it’s the principle of the matter, I guess.

That being said, my ex really is a good guy at heart.  He has made mistakes, sure.  But I really do believe that he is a good person at heart.  Maybe he hasn’t always handled things the way he should, but there are more evil people in the world by far.  And I am glad that we are sort of becoming friends again.  But when there are kids involved, I guess there are some things that are hard to let go of.

So the weirdness began when I started seeing my ex-husband’s name and picture start popping up on my “suggested friends” section of my Facebook profile a few weeks ago.  Considering that the last time I spoke to him was spring/summer of 2000, it was a little unnerving.  At the time we had zero mutual friends, although a couple of my friends on there knew him back in a day from Hawaii.  So I have no idea how, out of the millions of users out there, Facebook got him connected to me.  Then I got a friend request from his youngest sister, since I had not seen in about 12+ year, and who was in single digits the last time I did see her.  So I pondered her request for a few days, asked for some advice and finally decided to extend the olive branch.  After all, she wasn’t to blame for the situation; she was just guilty by association, being his sister. 

A few days after confirming her, I really felt that I should let him know that she had friended me and see if that was okay with him.  Let’s face it; the situation is more than a little awkward.  We have a child together, one that has been out of his life for most of that child’s life.  Our marriage ended because of a lot of infidelty on his part.  Not exactly ideal breeding ground for good feelings, although there was a time during the divorce process that we were almost friends.  But that was also 9 years ago.  So, I got brave, sent him a message and let him know.  I didn’t know if he would even acknowledge my note, but I felt that the right thing to do was tell him.  Imagine my surprise, when not only did he respond, but he was nice about it!  And somehow, unbelievably, over the course of the last few days, we have talking back and forth and been almost friends again.  And, yes, Corey knows all about it and is fully accepting. 

Yeah, there is some awkwardness and there is definately that elephant in the room that just hasn’t been acknowledged yet, but that is okay.  The situation is what it is and it is kind of a new thing for both of us.  It is enough to be friendly.  Hate and anger takes WAY too much energy.  And, really, despite the anger and hurt that I felt back then, I never really hated him, although it probably would have made it easier if I had!

So, I think Hell must have frozen over, because just 2 weeks ago, I would never imagine that I would ever even speak to him again, much less have it be so civilized.  But, hey, maybe I am a grownup after all!

Mood: amused  TV: The Today Show

Maybe I am just being overly cynical and suspicious.  I don’t know.  I guess it is hard to guage the attitude and motivation behind an online conversation, especially when that conversation is with someone you haven’t seen since they were very young and therefore hardly know.  But the whole tone of the conversation just kind of put me off.  The situation itself is awkward as hell, but she had nothing directly to do with how it got that way, more just guilty by association.  When she approached me online, I will admit, I was suspicious as hell, and sent a message asking some questions I felt I not only needed to ask, but was entitled to ask.  The answers I got to my questions satisified me, so I accepted.  And since then, I have tried to be friendly and remember that she had no part in the situation.  But yesterday, I got a message from her, demanding that now that she had answered my questions, I add her.  I kinda thought that was a little aggressive, but I wrote back, telling her I already had added her.  Then today, she IM’d me and wanted to see some specific pictures, which I had no problem with.  I guess it was the demands that got to me.  There was no “please”, no “thank you”, no appreciation.  The fact is, whether or not she had anything to do with the situation at hand, I owe none of them anything at all.  It took a real leap of faith for me to allow even this.  And I don’t want to think that there is anything else behind this than what she says.

That’s right!  I am 39.  And, no, I am not ashamed to admit it!  I am also a cougar, and not ashamed of that, either!  I still get mistaken for 10 years younger, so I am OKAY!  I may be bigger than I used to be, but I have a good rack, so what the hell?!

And I got some cute gifts from my girl Suzanne from Graphic Lovers Cafe!