Anniversaries and Army life

Current Mood:Happy emoticon Happy

I think that Army marriages should have some kind alternative numbering system.  I wrote a status about our anniversary on Sunday, joking about how rarely we are together for it.  Counting this year, we have been together for exactly one half of our anniversaries.  The balance is starting to tip in our favor! I mapped it out, curious…

  • 2002:  We got married at Fort Lee, VA.  It was one year to the day after our first date!
  • 2003:  Soldier Daddy spent our anniversary in Iraq and Kuwait, while I was in Virginia.
  • 2004:  We were in the same country, but he was at Fort Knox in Kentucky for PLDC, while I was hanging in VA.
  • 2005:  OMG!  We were TOGETHER!
  • 2006:  I was in New York, and he was here at Fort Huachuca in AIT.
  • 2007:  This year, we were together for 10 minutes, literally.  He had been at Redstone Arsenal in Alabama and flew in at 2350!
  • 2008:  Once again, we were together!!
  • 2009:  He was in Afghanistan and I was in New York.
  • 2010:  We were together!!
  • 2011:  He was back in Afghanistan and I was still in NY.
  • 2012-2014:  Holy Amazeballs!  Three in a row!

To be honest, we have been apart so much that the first few years are a little fuzzy so my order may be off, but you get the point!  It is a good thing that we don’t get overly crazy over anniversaries or we’d be in trouble!

Lesson learned… appreciate the time you do have because that is what really matters!

Saying goodbye…

Current Mood:Sad emoticon Sad

140207AZ1This weekend was pretty awful.  We had to say goodbye to our beloved Steer this weekend.  In January, he came down with something that no one could diagnose.  Extreme weight loss and what seemed to be rather extreme dementia and personality change.  In the last several days, it seemed as if his lungs had begun to fail and the personality changes started to occasionally spark into aggressiveness.  We talked to the vet and the decision was made that it was time to let him go.  That was such a horrible decision to make but it would have been selfish to keep him because of our own sadness.  So Corey and took him on Saturday, wrapped in his blanket and held him as he passed.  It was devastating for both of us, but it was the right thing to do for him.

Now I see him everywhere I look; we all do.  I keep looking under my desk for him before I remember.  I keep expecting to feel his tail on my bare feet. Today everyone is at work and school and I am alone. That makes it a lot harder to be strong because there is no one here to be strong for.

We have had a lot of loss and sadness in our lives over the last few years and it doesn’t get easier, pet or human.  But I glad he went peacefully and painlessly with us holding him and petting him as he left us.  I miss you, Steer!

Where do you go from here?

Current Mood:Angry emoticon Angry & Confused emoticon Confused & Sad emoticon Sad

MMBreatheMMBalance
I suck at letting go.  I can also torture myself with the best of them.  I can make connections between things that happen that will lay me out.  No matter how hard I try not to, I let the asshats get to me.  Add to all of that, there are the nonstop reminders of what I have lost and the nonstop crap that keeps on coming, one right thing after another.  None of this has been particularly helpful in moving forward with my life.  There has been so little time to actually be able to process and deal with the things that have happened before something else happens.

I have never felt so out of control with myself in my life.  I have always been the strong independent type, the one that everyone else comes to.  I am still that person to the rest of the world.  But there are a lot of times that I feel like my ability to function like that is an act, an award winning performance.  Half the time, I don’t even know who I am anymore.  Some days, I feel like I do pretty damn well, back to my old self.  Other days, it truly feels like the Universe hates my guts.

The thing about all of these things that have happened is that it has completely undermined my ability to trust.  In people, in my spirituality, in the Universe.  My spirituality used to be the one thing that kept me together, gave me peace.  But how do you maintain belief and faith in a world that you are so angry at?  And I am angry.  I feel like I can’t catch a break.  The things that keep me afloat are little things, superficial things that  make me feel better in the moment.  But it doesn’t last because, in the end, they are meaningless.  There was a line in a Supernatural episode once when Dean was told to “fake it until he makes it.”  That has sort of been my lifestyle, especially over the last several months.  But I realized that I was faking it more and making it less.  It’s easy to become apathetic and all too easy to get used to faking it and stop caring about anything more.  I think that is where I have gotten to and it needs to stop.

But how?  That’s the million dollar question.  And I have no answers.

Meh…

Current Mood:Confused emoticon Confused

I feel like all I ever blog about is sadness and negativity.  I hate that, but it is the reality of it sometimes.  The plus side is that the balance seems to have tipped for the better.  I have more good days now than bad, but those bad days, when they come, SUCK.  They hit hard and out of nowhere and taints everything else that is going on.

Those bad days… I have tried and tried to ignore them, but I have learned that that helps nothing and, if anything, makes it all worse.  What is it about the bad times that seems to bring out all of the other bad stuff that has happened over time?  I try to joke about it, but sometimes it seems like the Universe truly does hate me.  It kicks my ass when I am down.  And it kicks my ass when things start to seem like they are getting better.  It feels like I can’t catch a break.  I know that things can always get worse, but I am honestly sick to death of hearing that.  It makes me feel like I have no right to my feelings.

I have spent a lifetime allowing myself to be treated like crap when I didn’t deserve it.  It is painfully clear to me now just how much that became a part of me, a human doormat.  Friends, family, even myself.  And, at 43, it is a damn hard thing to change.  But how do you do it?  There is no book, no guide for that.  I have spent a lot of time in recent months wallowing in hurt and tears and pain and no small amount of anger.  But I have also spent a lot of time reevaluating my life and the people in it.  And it has been eye-opening.

On one hand, it makes me realize just how much crap I have allowed myself to take, even when I haven’t deserved it.  On the other hand,  it makes me realize just how much crap I have allowed myself to take, even when I haven’t deserved it.  Yes, I repeated myself.  This isn’t a new revelation for me, but something that, no matter how much I have wanted to, I still haven’t been able to change.  Why is that?  I mean, who wants to continue to accept less than what they deserve, less than being treated like a valued human being?  And that, my friends, is the down side.  When it runs as rampant as it does, it makes you think… maybe this is the best I can get, the most I deserve.  And that is a sobering thought.

The thing is, when you are as mired in crap as I have become over the last few years (especially this last one), it is so very easy to believe the worst about yourself.  That is where I am at.  I can try all day long to talk myself out of it, but it is what it is and it sticks with you.  Its hard to reach out, even to family, because I am the only girl in the house.  No matter how much they try, there are just some things they aren’t going to understand.  I have friends, but let’s face it.  Trust is a big issue there, especially after some of the pretty awful way I have been treated by many of them.  I have cut my losses with those people, but it definitely has affected my ability to trust women.

All of this has kind of isolated me.  I just can’t deal with drama and more hurt, so I have sort of fled.  But that gets lonely…

A little R&R…

I have been neglecting my blog lately, and I should know better.  Even if no one else can see the words that I write, I should be writing them, releasing them, letting them go.

I’ve been a bit overwhelmed lately.  Not really with any one thing, but with life itself.  Fortunately, I recognized it for what it was, the start of a downward spiral.  Apparently recognizing it and doing something about it before it got out of control was the key.  That is something new for me, since usually I tend to ignore the signs.  Usually I am too wrapped up in everything and everyone else and never take the time to take care of myself until it is too late.  So I took a step back to breathe and rejuvenate.  That meant finding my own space a little and doing anything and everything I could to lessen the stress.

That is something that I suck at… taking care of myself.  I’m trying but it always seems like there is something going on that needs to be taken care of.  Someone always needs something.  And I guess I am so used to taking care of everyone and everything that now it almost seems selfish to step back and indulge myself.  This is something I need to get past, and quickly!

Of course, the nonstop pain from hell that I have been going through really doesn’t help.  It just brings me down and it makes all of the bad stuff seem that much worse.  It’s exhausting, pain.  It’s there from morning to night and there is just no moment when I am not in pain.  It’s just there, all the time.  It’s draining, physically and mentally.

But taking a step back helped.  It doesn’t make the physical pain go away, but it helped rejuvenate me a little.  Now if I can just get in the habit.