Current Mood: Confused
I feel like all I ever blog about is sadness and negativity. I hate that, but it is the reality of it sometimes. The plus side is that the balance seems to have tipped for the better. I have more good days now than bad, but those bad days, when they come, SUCK. They hit hard and out of nowhere and taints everything else that is going on.
Those bad days… I have tried and tried to ignore them, but I have learned that that helps nothing and, if anything, makes it all worse. What is it about the bad times that seems to bring out all of the other bad stuff that has happened over time? I try to joke about it, but sometimes it seems like the Universe truly does hate me. It kicks my ass when I am down. And it kicks my ass when things start to seem like they are getting better. It feels like I can’t catch a break. I know that things can always get worse, but I am honestly sick to death of hearing that. It makes me feel like I have no right to my feelings.
I have spent a lifetime allowing myself to be treated like crap when I didn’t deserve it. It is painfully clear to me now just how much that became a part of me, a human doormat. Friends, family, even myself. And, at 43, it is a damn hard thing to change. But how do you do it? There is no book, no guide for that. I have spent a lot of time in recent months wallowing in hurt and tears and pain and no small amount of anger. But I have also spent a lot of time reevaluating my life and the people in it. And it has been eye-opening.
On one hand, it makes me realize just how much crap I have allowed myself to take, even when I haven’t deserved it. On the other hand, it makes me realize just how much crap I have allowed myself to take, even when I haven’t deserved it. Yes, I repeated myself. This isn’t a new revelation for me, but something that, no matter how much I have wanted to, I still haven’t been able to change. Why is that? I mean, who wants to continue to accept less than what they deserve, less than being treated like a valued human being? And that, my friends, is the down side. When it runs as rampant as it does, it makes you think… maybe this is the best I can get, the most I deserve. And that is a sobering thought.
The thing is, when you are as mired in crap as I have become over the last few years (especially this last one), it is so very easy to believe the worst about yourself. That is where I am at. I can try all day long to talk myself out of it, but it is what it is and it sticks with you. Its hard to reach out, even to family, because I am the only girl in the house. No matter how much they try, there are just some things they aren’t going to understand. I have friends, but let’s face it. Trust is a big issue there, especially after some of the pretty awful way I have been treated by many of them. I have cut my losses with those people, but it definitely has affected my ability to trust women.
All of this has kind of isolated me. I just can’t deal with drama and more hurt, so I have sort of fled. But that gets lonely…