Sometimes it amazes me just how divisive religion and faith can be. I hate the assumptions that people sometimes make based on superficial, often incorrect, ideas of what another’s belief system is all about. I have always believed that most religions share the same core values and are, in essence, just different paths seeking the same thing. The beauty of living in this country is that we each have the freedom to worship in any manner we choose, and that choice should be free of judgement. But it rarely ever is. Too many times I have been on the recieving end of someone’s wrath, simply because I don’t believe or worship as they do. I can’t stand to see religion or faith wielded as a weapon against someone and I don’t believe that following my spiritual beliefs in my own way makes me a lesser human being.
It seems like the holidays can either bring out the best or the worst in people, when it comes to faith and religious beliefs. I am certainly not one of those who believes that “Merry Christmas” wishes should be replaced with the generic “Happy Holidays”, and I also think that keeping Christ in Christmas is a beautiful thing for those who believe. But there are other religions that celebrate their own holidays during this time of year that are just as legitimate and just as spiritually important to those celebrating them. I truly hate the overwhelming attitude that I have seen this year that dismisses anything other than the mainstream Christmas as important, too. I have seen some truly derisive and rude things written or said that completely insult the spirituality of those who believe differently.
I have friends of a lot of different faiths and we all want the same basic things for ourselves and for those we love. We are Catholics, and Buddhists, and Mormons, and Pagans, and Christians, and Jewish. That just proves to me that no matter how different our paths may be, they don’t make any one of us any lesser a person than anyone else.
After only 5 delays, Soldier Daddy is finally home. And what a gigantic cluster &^%$ it was. Not only did he not make home for Christmas Eve, he didn’t make it home for Christmas either. I spent a good portion of Christmas day in a funk, which sucked more than a little! They were supposed to be wheels up from Kyrgysztan at about 0830 Christmas morning, and arrive in NY at around 0200 on the 26th. But the virtual FRG never put that up, which only served to put me in a state of panic!! Then, just after noon, the site changed the time of the ceremony from 0600 to “????”, which means that they have less than no idea. Not a good thing. The 1SG’s wife called me that evening to make sure I knew, and commiserated with me for a few minutes over it, but she didn’t know any more than I did. Good times. The site finally came up for about 15 minutes at about 9:30 that night and the ceremony was back on for 0600. So, 0200 came and Donovan and I headed to Fort Drum, not really sure what the hell was going on. Even with the ceremony supposedly back on, no one seemed to know if they were even in the air. Fabulous! Fortunately, just as we approached the turn to the main gate, Corey texted me and told me they were there! YIPPEE! So to the gym we headed for the too long wait for the ceremony, a VERY long three hours!
But finally, it was over, and we had Soldier Daddy and Jason and they were back on US soil! So, it is official,… now I live with 7 men. Good times!
I woke up this morning with a serious case of Christmas Blues. It has been a really rough year for me, not even counting the deployment, so Christmas cheer has been sadly lacking in my heart this year. And the 5 delays to bring Corey home definately haven’t helped that, either! To have him so close in time, if not in miles, and yet still missing Christmas is so hard on our whole family. Until yesterday morning, when he was delayed yet again, I started to believe that he would be home with us in time, and I started to let myself get excited about it, breaking the cardinal rule of Army Wifedom. NEVER let yourself get excited until you hear that they are wheels up because something ALWAYS happens. I should know that better than anyone, considering my own time as a soldier! Especially since, as my friend Carol says, if I didn’t have bad luck, I would have no luck at all!
All I wanted, more than anything, is a hug. I just want to feel his arms around me. I want to feel safe, and loved, and whole again. That’s it. But no matter how much it sucks to not have him here, I am grateful. Grateful because he IS coming home, when so many don’t get to. Grateful that we have our family, and that our lives could be so much worse. So, while it kinda sucks, it isn’t the end of the world and, with luck, by 0700 on Boxing Day, my Soldier Daddy will be with me again.
I have barely blogged at all this month but I have had no motivation whatsoever to do it. I haven’t had anything positive to say and I have enough negativity in my head without having to release it on the world!! Corey will be home in less than a week and I am SO ready for that. But I just can’t get into the whole Christmas thing. I do what I need to but I feel like I am just going through the motions. All I ever really want to do is cry. The last 20 months have really sucked for me and sometimes I just feel like I am drowning. There is only so much one person can take and I guess I kinda feel like I am at my breaking point.
I have lost too many people that I have cared about recently and I don’t know how to get over it, or even if I can. I know it doesn’t help that I don’t even get a chance to try before something else happens to add right to it. I am so completely overwhelmed.
I have never been one to hold a grudge against anyone, no matter what they have done to me. I have always believed that they serve no purpose other than to bring more negativity to your life. The person who wrongs you more than likely never cared that they hurt you and probably haven’t given it a thought since. So it only brings more pain to the person wronged in the first place, almost punishing them over and over again. I don’t know if it is because I am already overwhelmed, but I just can’t get past my hurt and distrust of something that happened months ago. And I know perfectly well that the person involved couldn’t care less and never really did. But I have never felt so personally betrayed on so many levels than I still do. I guess it is because of the fact that it was so out of nowhere and completely irrational and uncalled for. But it has done nothing but bring me stress and pain and I need to find a way to let go.
Corey keeps reassuring me that things will be different with him, too, when he gets home, that he understands know what I have been trying to tell him for so long, that I feel taken advantage of and unappreciated and down right disrespected sometimes. By him AND by the boys. He says he sees it now in ways that he didn’t before. But I have heard those words so many times before and even he says that he completely understands why I am hesitant to believe him. And add to it the fact that two of his buddies are living here for the next 4 months or so, and that will just make it even easier for me to be forgotten and taken advantage of again.
I know he doesn’t really understand just how bad I feel, and that is mostly on me. But there are some things you just can’t say when he is deployed halfway around the world. Sometimes he has to see it to really get it. I just hope he pays attention because I don’t think there is much left to me.
Sometimes mothering boys is a lot like running an obstacle course. You just never know what they are going to throw in your way. Sometimes it is these crazy off the wall questions that no parenting book EVER covers. Other times, it is just the insane things they do that leave you thoroughly confused, but that they think are completely rational and normal. They are so self-assured at those times that it makes you wonder if it is YOU that is a nutter! And sometimes it is the whining. There is nothing that raises my blood pressure like kids whining, especially when there is less than no reason for it. It makes me crazy,… um, craziER! And then there are the mood swings and attitude. I frequently have mothers of girls tell me I am lucky, having all boys. Well, clearly those mothers haven’t lived with my boys. Because, believe you me, they are supremely capable of all of the snottiness and attitude of an adolescent girl!
It is amazing to me how stupid they sometimes think I am. I am 39 <gasp> and yet sometimes I am so stupid that I have to have the simplest of things explained to me. In my career, I have spoken several languages, served a successful Army career, jumped out of airplanes, etc. But I can’t manage simple things without a child present to explain it to me. And yet, the moment they need something or need help, who do you think they turn to? Me, the raging dumb ass. It’s a paradox and I am confused!