What the hell was he THINKING?
This is what I was asking myself yesterday morning when Scott’s principal called. Apparently my usually well-behaved son has been a minion of Satan on the bus. Donovan rides the bus in the mornings, except for Wednesdays, and he hasn’t seen a thing, so I am guessing he usually reserves it for after Donovan is dropped at the high school or on the ride home. It seems that he can get rather loud on the bus and then doesn’t listen when the monitors tell him to shut it. This happened before and the school decided to handle it themselves rather than call me and tell me. So, when she called yesterday, it was a complete surprise. Another kid was involved and I guess they got annoyed with one another and started throwing hats and gloves at each other. So they were thrown off the bus for today. I was SO not happy with him and he knows it. That kind of BS is NOT allowed. So, I was out and about this morning to take him to school, which of course, is the farthest of the three schools my kids go to. GRRR! And, of course, that couldn’t be the end of it. As we were heading out of town, one of my wipers decided to break and flew off my car, hitting a passing kid in the back. Yeah, I felt stupid. No harm, no foul, but still! So upon returning to town, I made a stop at the auto parts store and bought fancy new ones and finally made it home to hot coffee.
I just want to thank Flutter, Renee and Becky for their advice on yesterday’s post. You guys really gave me the support and advice I needed and I appreciate it. It is amazing what you can take from the points of view of three different people!
My “what ifs” have more to do with me personally, than the normal romantic “what ifs”. My romantic entanglements were what they were. All I can do is learn from them and move on and try not to make the same mistakes again. I guess my “what ifs” are about figuring out how to feel like my own person again. I am all for personal growth and evolving through your experiences, because without it, life becomes stagnant. But I think somewhere along the line that is exactly what life has become for me in a lot of ways. Don’t get me wrong; I love my husband and my kids, but I am more than a wife and mom. This isn’t about regretting what I have and wanting something different; it is about finding myself and being able to be myself with them. I have been whatever somebody else needed for so long that I think I have forgotten what makes me ME.
I have spent the last few days lost in thought, I guess. I suppose coming to startling realizations about your past will do that to you! It has definately made me think about some of the choices I have made in my life. It made me wonder where and who I would be had I made different choices and taken a different path in my life. It also made me think about the reasons why I made the choices that I did and wonder what else I could have been wrong about. That is more than a little disturbing!
But those “what if’s” are almost as dangerous as regrets, and I certainly don’t believe in them. But my “what if’s” are more about myself. Sometimes it is hard to reconcile the me of the past with the me of now. I get that people change, and they should. But sometimes I feel like I have lost some important part of myself, something that made me ME. And that is depressing as hell. I feel like I have spent half my life pleasing other people and being what they what they wanted me to be and that has made me forget who I am sometimes. And that pretty much sucks so I guess I better figure it out and fix it.
Most of the time, I question the value of closure. Sometimes, bringing up the past only rehashes the hurt for the one wronged, almost making them twice victimized. But sometimes, closure can really be a great thing.
I wrote about this a few days ago, but over the past 6 months, I have met up with lots of people from my past on Facebook. For the most part, it has just been nice to reconnect with friends from school days and from different places I have lived during my time in the Army. But today was different. Today, I talked to someone that I haven’t had a real conversation with for almost 20 years. I had known he was on there, but had hesitated friending him because I didn’t know if it was even remotely the right thing to do. We have a mutual friend and she pushed him in my direction and he friended me. Today, we happened to be on at the same time and he IMd me. For awhile, it was just small talk, the easy stuff. Then the past came up. Throughout the course of conversation, I realized that all these years, I have been completely wrong about the situation and about how I thought of him. For years, I believed the wrong things and the wrong people and held a grudge, one I had NO right to hold. There were definately extenuating circumstances at the time, so some of how I handled myself can be understood, but the fact remains that I was wrong, and I hurt a good person unnecessarily. And it definately changed the course of both of our lives.
I learned things today that I had never known, things I never believed could be. It was a perfect example of how not opening yourself up to another person and and trusting them and believing in them AND yourself can forever change your life. Hindsight is a bitch sometimes. There are very definitive ways that both of our lives were changed because of the way I handled things. But I don’t believe in regret, even though the course of my life definately changed. I believe that the choices you make, whether they be good or bad, wrong or right, make you the person that you are. You can’t change the past, but you can try to make it right with acknowledgement and apology. I am just glad I got to do that today. It was a real awakening for me but one I am glad I had, no matter how wrong I turned out to be. The amazing part is how good I feel about myself right now, knowing the truth of the situation. The other amazing part is how easy it was to talk to him, to apologize, and to gain forgiveness. So, for that, I thank him.
Well, what is there to say about yesterday that hasn’t been said by a thousand bloggers today? I spent most of my day glued to the TV, watching it all unfold. Before this election, I really could have taken or left it all. But I got pretty wrapped up in this one, and all the issues involved. Same sex rights were a huge one for me, since I am a huge believer in equal rights, regardless of sexuality, and that includes marriage and all that comes with it. The abortion issue and maintaining the right to choose was another hot one for me. Military issues are always key to me as well, for obvious reasons. I would also like to see the health care system improve, as well as education becoming more available to people who might not be able to afford it. The environmental issues are also big ones for me.
He definately is coming into the presidency at a rough time for our country, and I don’t envy him. I just hope that people can put aside their political views enough that we can work together to make the needed changes and help our country grow stronger. Support across the board is needed to make these changes and is the key to improvement.
On a less serious note, I loved Aretha Franklin singing at the inauguration. Only Aretha could wear that hat! You can listen to her sing HERE. I also loved the thumbs up he got from his little girl, too cute! I watched some of the coverage of the balls and LOVED seeing the Army soldier, SGT Margaret Herrera, dance with the president at the Commander In Chief’s Ball, video HERE. Definately a moment to remember, but there were a lot of those yesterday!