I feel so completely beaten down that all I want to do is cry, all the time. How is it possible to love the people in my family so much, and still want to escape as much as I do? There are days when I just want to scream and scream and scream. But what good is that? None. If there is anything I have learned, it is that screaming doesn’t work. It is all too easy to dismiss anything a person says when they are screaming at you, It is just too easy to blame it on emotions rather than actually listen to the words and their meaning. And try being the lone female in a house of guys. Why is it okay for a bunch of guys to totally deny the legitmacy of anything I may say just because I have ovaries? Because that is what it is and that is totally and completely sexist and insulting. But then they turn around and excuse away all their bad behavior on the fact that “it’s a guy thing”. Like having testicles is a legitmate excuse for treating me like I am nothing. The youngest three aren’t doing it as much yet, but they will unless the other two change their ways and soon. And I just don’t see that happening.
I see their faces, Corey and Donovan, when I try to explain this stuff to them. And I see their eyes glaze over as they are dismissing me in their heads without even trying to listen and understand. I hear the words they say to me, the same ones every time, so much that they could be a recording. Words that have no meaning anymore because there is nothing to back them up. Words that are said with such a patronizing tone, only said to calm down the hysterical female that doesn’t know what she is talking about.
Do they know how alone that makes me feel? How worthless? Do they really care? They say they do,… every time. I am the glue that keeps this family together, the one person that has everyone’s back, and they have no problem taking advantage of that. So how do they think I feel that they use me as much as they do, and yet are so quick to blow me off? Again, do they really care?
Admittedly, Corey is better in a lot of ways than he used to be, but a lot of that was situational stuff, situations that no longer exist in our family. So, while it is all well and good that we are past that stuff, it doesn’t mean the rest of it magically disappeared, too. The two of them together are just too much. I have tried to tell them repeatedly what they are doing to me, and just how beaten down I feel. And they either just don’t get it or they don’t care. Frankly, I think it is like everything else. They hear me, and dismiss me as a hysterical female. And there is nothing hysterical about it. It is one really unhappy woman trying to make her family work for everyone, including herself.