I broke my cardinal rule of not fighting with Corey while he is deployed, but stuff just boiled over and out it went. We ended with all the right words, which is important, but getting to the “I love you” wasn’t easy. I hate fighting like that, especially with him deployed, but sometimes the holding it in makes it even worse. The worst part of it is that I don’t know if any of it made a difference at all. There were moments when I thought the light bulb went on for him in connection with what I was saying, but I don’t know. By his own admission, he never makes the effort he should and that just doesn’t help matters. I don’t know if he gets how worthless that makes me feel, that I am not even worth the smallest of effort.
As a result, I barely slept last night, which didn’t help the headache I had when I went to bed. By morning, I had a headache so bad that I was naseous and could barely stand up. I did what I never do, and took myself back to bed for a few hours, which really did nothing except allow me to escape the misery for a few hours. I have been popping meds and downing coffee and, frankly, I think the coffee has helped more than the meds. Sad.