I swear, the total cluelessness that goes on around here is going to make me lose what is left of my mind. I joke, or at least try to, but I am completely serious about just how pissed off and frustrated I am. Nothing I say or do seems to get through to anyone, but that would require more than two seconds of attention something other than a book, a computer, a TV, or a video game. And, Goddess knows, we couldn’t possibly have that. No, Goddess forbid, a human being actually have more value than any of those things. Goddess forbid, I have more value than those things. Can you sense the total sarcasm here?! No exaggeration, it is a literally a struggle just to get anyone to even look at me and acknowledge my existence, much less actually LISTEN and I am beyond hurt and frustrated and well into seriously freakin’ pissed off. I have tried talking about it, I have tried yelling about it, both equal failures. I have lost my mind and bawled my brains over it, with equal success. NONE of it penetrates their brains. Within moments, they have shrugged me off and continued on with whatever they were doing, promptly forgetting anything and everything about me. They don’t have to agree or understand me. They ought to give a damn enough about me to have it matter because it matters to me. I would just like to be heard, to be listened to, to matter to SOMEBODY! Without being dismissed, without being scoffed at, without being degraded, without being judged, without the overly defensive bullshit. But, no, that might mean that someone would actually have to do something other than put it on me or pay lip service to me. It would be great if once in a damn while it could actually be about me for 5 seconds. I am good enough to spend my entire life with everyone else’s needs coming WAY ahead of mine, but my own don’t ever even make anyone’s radar in any real way.
Something’s wrong with Kim? “Why don’t you go take a bath?” That, in my world, means that I should go away and stew alone rather than bother anyone with my problems, much less require them to take responsibility. Hell, even when I do, I get interrupted every five seconds for such life-altering questions such as “Can I have dinner?” or “Can I have some milk?” or “Can I play on the computer?” or “Honey, do you know where my <insert item here>?”,…! Or, “You should do something for yourself more often”. I like that one. When exactly should I do that? Between the loads of laundry that, chances are, that no one else will fold? Between kids needing stuff and the husband needing stuff? Between the myriad of little things that no one else is apparently able to handle? Yeah, that will happen. “Doing something for myself” is basically limited to taking a bath (see above) or getting up at the ass crack of dawn before anyone else is awake to be able to do anything without the interruptions.
There is a whole hell of a lot of inequality in this house and it isn’t fair. From money spent to responsibility to just basic day to day stuff. A prime example of the money thing,… I hardly ever spend money on myself and when I do, I am cheap as hell. When I got my laptop, I bought it, out of my stop loss money that I got from the Army. I spent less than $600 on it. Corey needs a new laptop before he deploys, fine. He isn’t doing anything a whole lot more advanced on it than I do on mine. And he intends to throw down $2000 on it. Really? For someone who spends a crap load more money than I do, that doesn’t seem entirely fair. Especially since he is planning on getting a $300+ iPod, too. It isn’t that I want to spend an equal amount of money. I have no need to. And it isn’t even so much about the money itself. It’s more about the fact that it has been made very clear that living cheap is fine for me, but definately not for him. Nice. The parallel between money and my worth in this family has not been lost on me.
I am so sick of arguing all the time, with everyone around me. I don’t think it is too much to ask for the people in this family to act like a family, to me, and to each other.