I used to blog religiously, each and every day, but I definately don’t anymore. It isn’t for lack of trying, since I open it up just about every day. I write a few sentences, I delete them and start over. And I never seem to get past that point. It’s just it is generally the same basic theme and if I really get into it like I want to, I am bordering on TMI. My blog is my outlet, my therapy, my place to let it rip. Without it, things get bottled up and I think that makes it worse because I am completely frustrated and usually resentful as hell, too. But then again, venting on my blog isn’t really going to change anything in the long run anyway. The people that need to listen don’t. They don’t listen, they don’t pay attention, they don’t take the things I say to heart. It goes in one ear, stays in there long enough for the pretty, placating words that have nothing to back them up, and then out the other ears it goes. And I am left in exactly the same spot that I started in, feeling miserable and even more resentful than when I started.
You always hear that you can’t depend on other people for your own happiness, but I think that is an over used cliché that completely absolves the person wronging you of any responsibility. Nobody wants to take responsibility for themselves and how they treat others anymore and that isn’t the way it should be. Priorities have gotten pretty screwed up when things become more important to your life than the people you are supposed to love. A lot of people say that too much technology is ruining families. I don’t believe that. Technology in and of itself isn’t ruining anything, but the people who make those things more of a priority.
But it isn’t just the toys. It is the complete self-absorption. It is so very easy to take a wife/mom for granted when she stays at home and takes care of the house and home. They stop seeing how much you do, stop appreciating it. They come to expect it. take it for granted. They get so used to you always doing everything, always being there for him, that it becomes second nature, a habit. And somewhere along the line, they forget that you are more than a wife or mother, that you are a real person. They seem to forget that you are even human. Your feelings no longer matter, and the rules of behavior that are second nature when dealing with anyone else don’t apply to you. Your value to them becomes directly linked to what you do for them. You become a shell of a person, losing value even to yourself.
There is no equality in this house, none at all. The self-absorption is at a ridiculous level. Some of that you expect with children, and that is fine, but the husband is worse about it than any of the kids. And I have tried and tried to explain, to absolutely no avail. If he doesn’t understand or agree with something, he just gets defensive and mean and completely dismisses me. He doesn’t think twice about it. And that just makes me feel even more worthless, and the so-called apologies I might get later? Mean nothing to me anymore.
No one listens, from the top down. Most of the time, talking to any of them about anything is pointless. It’s like I speak Swahili for as much as anyone comprehends what I say. The two most common words in this house are “I forgot” which is really code for “I didn’t pay attention in the first place”. Nothing about me is important to any of them and they make it painfully clear. Yet I am the one they expect to always be there for them and to do for them,… no matter how they treat me.
How do you fix it, or at least, shake it off? I have no idea and it is making me miserable.