Jul 31 2012

Unraveling the Knots

Posted on 31 July 2012 by Kim

“You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run.” -From The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

Yesterday, I wrote about boundaries, particularly those in friendships. As I said yesterday, this has been something that has been an issue for me for a long time. Even after I posted my blog about it, I kept thinking about it. And I realized that I barely touched on the issues that boundaries have caused me in my life. Not just with friendships, but with family and romantic relationships, too. I realized, too, that one of the reasons that I have such a hard time enforcing boundaries is because I somehow came to believe that, no matter what, you just aren't supposed to give up on a person. But, in reality, Kenny has it right. I am not saying that one should run at the first sign of trouble. Not giving up is great… within reason. But sometimes there comes a point when holding on becomes destructive, for yourself and maybe even the other person. That's when you have to question why you are still maintaining that relationship, whatever kind it may be. There are a lot of reasons that someone holds on, but the important thing is that the cost of staying is never more than you should be willing to pay. And if the cost is too high, that's when it is time to fold, to lay your cards down, and walk away.

Easier said than done sometimes. There are probably a million reasons why I came to think that you never give up and walk away, too many to sort out in a single blog post. But the helpful thing is that it gave me a place to start exploring.

That's the thing about this whole self-discovery kick I am on. It forces you to think about and to deal with things that you have either pushed aside or just not taken the time with. It also has driven home just how interconnected the different parts of your life really are, how much one affects the other. My boundary issues probably have a lot to do with self-esteem, which has come to be what it is because of a string of varied experiences. Those experiences have altered my thinking, my ability to trust, and my ability to be open with others. And that is a really simplified view of it. It is like your life is a ball of yarn. One that has been pushed and pulled about, through good times and bad, and what you are left with is a tangled mess. But the plus side is that there is hope. Those knots can be unraveled.

I know in my heart and soul when and where some of those knots were caused. Some of those knots are easier to talk about than others for a whole lot of reasons. Some are deeply personal. Some involve other people. Those are the ones that will be the hardest to explore. My best "figuring things out" comes through writing and I can't always write freely about parts of my life, as much as I may want to. But somehow, I have to figure those knots out and unravel them. The past may be in the past, but it will follow you unless and until you learn the lessons and gain the wisdom that you need to. And I have lessons to be learned and wisdom to gain.

I have to say, while parts of Project Kim are sad and hard to reconnect with, it feels good, too. So worth it to be free from it!

Jul 30 2012

Boundaries

Posted on 30 July 2012 by Kim

Last Tuesday, I talked about the fabulous journal prompts offered by Dominee of Blessing Manifesting, Sacred Journey Through Journaling. One of the things I love about them, besides the fact that they make you think (!), is that you really don't have to do them in order. I have been doing them totally out of order, as the mood strikes me. The one that hit me today was actually from Day 4, but the subject has been on my mind lately, in regards to friendships, so the timing was divine.

How are your boundaries in regards to other people? Do you find that you are more likely to let people in or keep people out? When people push your boundaries how do you react?

My boundaries with friends and acquaintances are sadly lacking sometimes. Part of it was the way I was brought up, to an extreme. I was brought up to not make waves, especially in public and outside of family. "Always present a pleasant face." While I am all about manners and such, and totally against unnecessary harshness or rudeness, there is a fine line between maintaining civility and allowing yourself to be treated like crap. And all too often I have let people cross that line. Most of the time, I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I internalize it, or bitch to my husband about it. But it is draining. It drains the creativity, the trust, and the faith in people right out of you. And it sucks.

I never used to be a big doormat, but I think life in general has drained me to the point that sometimes it just doesn't feel as if the effort is worth it. But I have had a few friendships in the last few years that have definitely made me rethink things. I had a friend a few years ago that I felt an instant bond with, despite a pretty big age difference. For several months, it was great. We spent tons of time together and we got along wonderfully. But the minute our husbands deployed, it went south. I was working from home full-time, had 4 kids, and my health suddenly went to crap. And that is where the differences really became obvious. She was self-admittedly used to being the center of attention, young, no kids, no job, no responsibilities outside of her home and the things that go with that. She couldn't relate to the fact that I was doing all that I was doing and that it took time. She couldn't relate to the fact that spontaneity isn't that easy. She had a hard time dealing with deployment and separation, being a new military wife, and I can't count the number of times I did drop everything when she needed me. But those times apparently didn't count. It quickly became a very one-sided relationship. I gave, she took. And that was that. I dealt, for a long time, trying to be patient with the fact that she was having a hard time. Until I got a vicious, and hateful, email that changed everything and broke my heart. It hurt me because, for once, I really knew that I was not at fault in any way. There are very few times in life when a person can know that they are entirely blameless, but this was one of those times. We didn't speak for months, and even when we did, it was never the same. I lost trust, in an irrevocable way that has carried on with other friendships. It didn't help that eventually it went back to the one-sided mess that it once was. It became the kind of friendship where she never spoke to me… until she needed something.

I have another "friendship" like that, with a girl I was once so close to that we were practically sisters. I moved away after awhile, and we fell out of the closeness we once had. Several years past, and we both lived different lives. When I came back to the local area 8 years ago, I had hope that we would be back to our old friendship, but it never happened. That's okay; it happens. But it quikly became obvious that what little contact we continue to have is soley based on what is happening in her life and what she needed. And over the course of the years back, I hhave discovered that I was deeply betrayed by her. It happened a long time ago, and the situation no longer matters, but the principle of the matter does.

All of these things don't really help my motivation to let people in. At all. It seems like, with a few exceptions, I get burned more than anything else. A couple years ago, I met a girl and, at first, it seemed like we had a ton in common. But boundaries were not respected and I got stifled FAST. Once again, my every waking moment was supposed to be spent with her. And if I spent time with anyone else, including friends she didn't even know or my family, I was expected to either include her or not go. Everything I did was supposed to be with her. Evverything I did, she had to do. There is nothing that will stifle inspiration and creativity like someone who has to copy your every move. It got to the point that I felt like I had no space of my own to be me, no privacy. It was absolutely horrific, trying to extract myself.

After that, I fled to my "Kim Cave". I couldn't take the drama anymore. I backed off from everyone. I was lonely, but too gunshy to come out because I had enough stuff going on without more drama. Boundaries are needed but they can be so hard to put in place.

Jul 27 2012

And so the week ends…

Posted on 27 July 2012 by Kim

It's been an enlightening week, full of ups and downs. It started out with downward spiral Monday afteroon and I spent the evening feeling completely overwhelmed and frustrated. It just seemed that, no matter how much I may try to pull myself up, there is always something right there to pull me down. But giving in and giving up would have too easy and I am pretty happy with myself that I didn't. Making a conscioous effort to read "quest-related" stuff, to blog, and to spend some time every day with and for me has helped, too.

One of the goals of The Receiving Project is to open yourself up to the good things that are around you, to focus less on the negative and more on the positive. Sometimes you can get so bogged down in the cesspool of crap that it really is hard to see a whole lot of positive. Crap accumalates and seeing over it can be ridiculously hard. That is what today's RP goal is about, how to recognize a gift when you get one. Kind of appropriate because I had one of those moments last night while talking to the hubs. We got talking about weight and health, and the angst I have over both. My weight is a big issue for me… no pun intended. It is in no small part caused by a fairly massive health issue, both directly and indirectly. Indirectly because I am generally feeling so crappy that exercising just makes me feel even worse. Ddirectly because my issue itself puts weight on me. Moving tto Arizona and the different, dryer climate should help considerably, but this has been going on for years. Feeling like hell all the time without a break has definitely contributed to the rut I have found myself in, too. My gift came from my husband last night in the form of a comment that he has made numerous times before. I have no idea why this time was any different, or why it hit me the way it did. But it did. "I don't give a damn how much you weigh, as long as you are finally healthy." The tone of his voice was so sincere, so adamant. It made me feel so much better about being fluffy!

I found a new meme that I thought sounded fun, the Friday JoyJam. Each week, you list 3 to 5 things that happened that week that brought you joy. You can do it in a regular list, in pictures, in poem, in any way.

I didn't give up my quest when the going got tough.
My hubby made me feel pretty damn loved.
I feel like I am making headway in changing things.

Jul 26 2012

A Balancing Act

Posted on 26 July 2012 by Kim

I discovered a new blog today, Effervescense by Kylie. Kind of ironic, considering the things I have been thinking about lately, that I discovered her blog on the day she posts about change. It's all about how you don't have to be anyone or anything other than who or what you are in order to do something new. My whole thing lately has been about change. Wanting a change. Needing a change. At first read, without a lot of thought, it seemed that the point was accepting yourself as you are. Which, I suppose, was part of her point, but seemingly contradicts what my little quest is all about. I read it again and realized that it was more than that. The things that don't need change are just that. Things. They aren't the things that matter, that are important. They are the things that, in the grand scheme of things, just aren't as hugely important as we sometimes make them. It was a good reminder to not get caught up in the little things and forget to live.

I read a comment on Facebook, discussing this post by Dominee of Blessing Manifesting, that got me thinking. The post was about the ups and downs of life, and that sometimes the spiral of emotions that happen can trap you, making you spend more time dealing with them than embracing the good stuff in life. The point of the comment was that negative feelings have the inexplicably strong power to linger far longer than positive feelings. I never thought of it that way, but it is true. And why is that? Why is it so much easier to believe and /or dwell on the negative than the positive? And how do you balance the good with the bad, and not let the bad overwhelm you and take over? Because the bad accumulates. Like the moon, sometimes I feel like life waxes and wanes. There are good times and there are bad times. Even my individual days seem to wax and wane with my energy level. But all too often it seems like there are far more waning moments that waxing ones. It is draining. It seems like one thing after another has been happening. No sooner does one thing happen and another hits, before I have even gotten a chance to deal with the first. It is piling negative on top of negative. It gets overwhelming and saps the ability to see anything positive right out of you. Yes, I manage from day to day and I wouldn't say that I am depressed, but it has definitely made me less than what I could be. It is hard to remember that life is a cycle and it will wax again for me.

The brain in my head tells me that it is ridiculous to let the negative stuff have such power over me. But the heart and soul have a hard time letting it go. And it affects every part of you. Negative things in one area of your life can't seem to help but to spill over into other parts of your life. It affects how you interact with those around you, how you react to yourself. It colors every part of you. But where is the line? Because there is one. Letting it all go without acknowledging it or learning its lessons isn't good either. And when the negativity is with those people around you? Yes, it is easy to say "cut them out of your life". But sometimes there are reasons why you can't do that. There is a fine line between letting the negative stuff those people throw your way sllide by and allowing yourself to be a doormat. And that right there is where I am at. I have been used, taken advantage of, betrayed, and a doormat. My heart and soul wants to be open, but doesn't want to be hurt like that again. So how do you balance? That is the question I am trying to answer.

Jul 25 2012

Gifts & Wishes

Posted on 25 July 2012 by Kim

Today has been one of those days when it would have been all too easy to give in to the blahs and ignore my blog and my goals for the day. I am thoroughly exhausted and thinking in a straight line is almost an impossible feat! But since my end goal is for positive change, I realized that a day like today was when it was probably most important for me to pay attention and take the time.

Today was my Day 2 for The Receviing Project, all about setting intentions and recognizing the gifts out there that life has to offer. Some days they are small; sometimes they are big. Today's intention was that things would go well with the landlord of my complex. We are getting ready to move and the apartment we live in has seen better days. First, it is hardly the most well-built or well-appointed place in the world. It was built about 30 years ago, originally as subsidized housing for low-income families. Not long after it was built, Fort Drum reactivated and the Army leased it for 20 years as 801 additional housing. The lease ran out and it has been civilian owned and operated for the last 5 years or so. And the majority of that have been a living hell for me. The former Slum m Lord was, in a word (or two!), a despicable asshat. He was lecherous, inappropriate, lazy, sexist, sexually harassing, and a terrible landlord. If you had ovaries, work orders were ignored. Being as that I am alone more than with husband, due to multiple deployments, this has been a bit of an issue. In th 7+ years that we have lived here, we have been flooded 8 times. Five have been sewage floods from the apartment upstairs, 1 from a burst pipe in our living room, once from a burst pipe in the living room of the apartment across the hall, and one from the hot water heater when it went bad. The walls are soft and warped, the ceilings bowed. There is all kinds of mold in the place, mold that I am desperately and dangerously allergic to. The carpets have been soaked and covered with the sewage from the flood and not replaced when they should have bed. In a nutshell, the apartment is substandard through no fault of our own. The former Slum Lord was recently fired and new property managers took over. I took Corey's orders and leave form down on Tuesday in order to give our notice for our impending PCS to Arizona. During that process, I was informed that we were required to have our carpets professionally clean, with a receipt to be turned in. They were very specific even about what type of professional cleaning was allowed. No renting a shampooer and DIYing it. Fine, but with the seriousness of the issues of our apartment, this seemed like an unecessary expense, to the tune of $159+ for our little crap hole. Now I am a strong chick and fully capable of handling things without my husband. However, clearing this place has fallen under the heading of "letting it go" and "relinquishing control" and "asking for help". I admit, I felt justified on throwing it on my husband since, in the last 7 years that we have lived here, he has been in the country and dealing with stuff less than ⅓ of the time, thanks to deployment. So he called the office yesterday and shared a condensed version of our tale of woe with them. That resulted in the property manager and her boss coming by this morning to look, listen, and take pics of the multitude of issues. I do believe that this resulted in the gift for which I set my intention. They were receptive and kind, understanding and accepting. I have been in fear that we were going to be outrageously charged for damage that is the result of shoddy maintenance, but I don't think that is going to be. Particularly since the previous Slum Lord was fired for that very thing, and many others have had similar complaints. Ours are just more severe because of both the amount of damage we have sustained, as well as the fact that we have lived here longer than anyone else in the compex. So that is my gift, and I am grateful to receive it.

It's amazing how things come together from different sources at any given time. I have also been following Roots of She and today's post was about a different kind of "to do" list than the usual task list. The traditional "to do" list can drag you down and overwhelm you with how much you need to get done. I know that mine can, so much that I frequently forget to eat or take care of myself at all in any way, something that can definitely be bad for my current health issues. Jenn's list has a different focus, or at least one that runs along with a more traditional task list. It, too, is about focusing intentions, and then shaping the traditional list around that. Her list has two questions. How do I want to feel today? and What do I need to do to feel that way? No, maybe you don't get as much crossed off your list, but it leaves you happier and with more energy and far more efficient and a lot less overwhelmed. And I really think that has its own, and important, value.

I discovered a new meme today, Wishcasting Wednesday. Each week there is a different "wishing" theme prompt, and the idea is to share your wishes, to put them out there, and then visit other bloggers and support their wishes. Today's post is about what you wish you can share. I have spent most of the day thinking about that, without a clue as to what I have to offer, to share. Then it hit me. What I have right now is hope. And hope is a great thing to have and to share. So that is what I wish to share with everyone who needs some: hope!