“You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run.” -From The Gambler by Kenny Rogers
Yesterday, I wrote about boundaries, particularly those in friendships. As I said yesterday, this has been something that has been an issue for me for a long time. Even after I posted my blog about it, I kept thinking about it. And I realized that I barely touched on the issues that boundaries have caused me in my life. Not just with friendships, but with family and romantic relationships, too. I realized, too, that one of the reasons that I have such a hard time enforcing boundaries is because I somehow came to believe that, no matter what, you just aren't supposed to give up on a person. But, in reality, Kenny has it right. I am not saying that one should run at the first sign of trouble. Not giving up is great… within reason. But sometimes there comes a point when holding on becomes destructive, for yourself and maybe even the other person. That's when you have to question why you are still maintaining that relationship, whatever kind it may be. There are a lot of reasons that someone holds on, but the important thing is that the cost of staying is never more than you should be willing to pay. And if the cost is too high, that's when it is time to fold, to lay your cards down, and walk away.
Easier said than done sometimes. There are probably a million reasons why I came to think that you never give up and walk away, too many to sort out in a single blog post. But the helpful thing is that it gave me a place to start exploring.
That's the thing about this whole self-discovery kick I am on. It forces you to think about and to deal with things that you have either pushed aside or just not taken the time with. It also has driven home just how interconnected the different parts of your life really are, how much one affects the other. My boundary issues probably have a lot to do with self-esteem, which has come to be what it is because of a string of varied experiences. Those experiences have altered my thinking, my ability to trust, and my ability to be open with others. And that is a really simplified view of it. It is like your life is a ball of yarn. One that has been pushed and pulled about, through good times and bad, and what you are left with is a tangled mess. But the plus side is that there is hope. Those knots can be unraveled.
I know in my heart and soul when and where some of those knots were caused. Some of those knots are easier to talk about than others for a whole lot of reasons. Some are deeply personal. Some involve other people. Those are the ones that will be the hardest to explore. My best "figuring things out" comes through writing and I can't always write freely about parts of my life, as much as I may want to. But somehow, I have to figure those knots out and unravel them. The past may be in the past, but it will follow you unless and until you learn the lessons and gain the wisdom that you need to. And I have lessons to be learned and wisdom to gain.
I have to say, while parts of Project Kim are sad and hard to reconnect with, it feels good, too. So worth it to be free from it!