Aug 27 2012

When reality slaps you in the face…

Posted on 27 August 2012 by Kim

I expected a lot of stressful moments with this move, but not one of them had to do with self-esteem. And yet, here at the beginning of the move, that is exactly what has happened. The "packing up and sending our stuff off" part has actually been relatively stress-free, even hilarious at times with craziness and laughter and all kinds of new inside jokes and memories. Strangely, it was the move from our now empty apartment to the hotel that did it for me.

We spent last Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday stationed in the yard out of the way of the packers and movers as they packed and inventoried our stuff. It was hot and sticky and buggy, but necessary, We spent Friday and Saturday nights camped out in the former master bedroom around the flat screen that is going with us, lounging on the floor in the coolest room in the place. Which is't saying much, especially as we had no AC or fans. Yesterday, we moved to a hotel outside of post for a few days before Soldier Daddy signs out and we hit the road. After two days of sleeping on the floor of our empty apartment, the thought of a hotel sounded ridiculously lovely. And, at first, it was ridiculously lovely. All I wanted was a bath and some peace. And, as soon as we were settled in, that is just what I did. And that is when my issues started. This room is covered in mirrors, along both long walls and a huge one in the bathroom. For the last seven years, I have generally ony been able to see from the boobs up, relying on the glass door for full-body reflections. Not an option here. I can see all of me, all the time. Being naked in the bathroom did me in, TMI or not.

Several years of off-and-on chemo combined with a severe, and rare, mold allergy has caused me to seriously put on weight. It has killed my self-esteem, being a former skinny girl, even after 4 kids. I have seen the numbers on the scale, from time to time, but the numbers really don't mean much to me, I donn't care about that. What I care about is how I look, how I feel. And I guess having spent the last several years with only boobs-up mirrors has left my head stuck in the sand about how I looked. I was horrified. Seeing myself like that shocked me. I saw dimples in places I never had them, saggy parts where they used to be firm. It was awful. I proceeded to sit in the bath and just cry until it felt like my soul was dried out. That was yesterday, and I have had more than one moment of despair since. I have never been so ashamed of myself in my life. And the thing is, it isn't really food issues. I don't eat perfectly, but I don't eat horrificaly either. Nor do I eat a lot. And much of what I do eat doesn't stay there. One of the side effects to my allergy is that I am nauseous almost all the time. Half the time I don't eat because the thought of food makes me sick. The allergist tells me I have a ridiculous amount of mold inside me, and that it accounts for 90% of my excess weight. That is al well and good, but it does't change what I saw in the mirror and how crappy I feel right now,

A total setback for my goals of living more positively…

Aug 19 2012

The Stress Spiral

Posted on 19 August 2012 by Kim

The past few days have thoroughly tested me, over and over again. Not falling into old ways of thinking and old patterns has been, at times, a hell of a struggle.

I had a moment the other night when it felt like everything I was trying to do for myself lately was for nothing. I have spent a lot of time over the past several years feeling as if I am constantly fighting an uphill battle with my family, one in which I generally lose. There have been a lot of empty words in the past, words that never seem to have any sincerity behind them. Sometimes it feels like I spend most of my time fighting to be heard, to be recognized, to be valued, to be appreciated. Since getting out of the Army and being a stay-at-home mom, I have learned that it is very easy for your family to forget you as a person. It is like I have become something less than human. They have gotten used to me being always available, always doing the things that I do. They get wrapped up in their own lives and forget that I, too, have a life of my own, with dreams, thoughts, and needs of my own, My health has become an issue, especially over the last couple of years, and sometimes it seems as if none of them have even noticed that. I have a lot of resentment built up, something I am dealing with and trying to get past. But there are times when it isn't easy. The other night was one of those nights. It came after a day of having to constantly ask/nag for help, over and over again. Nobody was listening and it got to be too much. Nothing I said made a damn bit of difference, and it grated on me. I have given my "family is about being there for each other" speech about a billion times, right along with the "sometimes we all have to pitch in and help" speech, and it got to be too much. Same crap as always and it made me feel like my fight for myself was pointless and worthless. So, in that moment, I gave up.

BUT I didn't give up on me. I gave up on the argument. It was going nowhere and it didn't really seem to matter what I said about anything at that moment. So I opted to take care of me instead. I turned on my heel and went to bed. That is not generally me, but it was necessary. And it was probably the right thing to do because all the screaming and yelling and crying in the world wouldn't have helped. I don't know if I necessarily solved anything, but I kept if from going crazy out of control.

Today was a day of stress, too. Here we are, just days from moving, and our truck decides to have issues. We leave at dawn on the 29th and we have a pretty full schedule between now and then and it chooses now to have issues. I am on the verge of losing my mind as it is. There are two parts that need replacing. One is about $86 and the other around $800. Did I mention we are days from driving from New York to Arizona, by way of Montana? With 3 kids, 3 animals and dragging the other car on a trailer. A trailer that will cost us about $1000 up front. And technically homeless. We won't know until we get there about the availability of housing so there is the possibility that we will have to get an apartment and all the costs of that, too. So my stress level skyrocketed. There are times when I feel as if I live under a perpetual cloud of darkness. It sometimes seems as if we just can't get a real break, that the other shoe is just moments away from dropping on my head. Today was that day.

There was a moment in which I felt like I was going to explode. It seemed to be yet another example of the dropping shoe, another example of the black cloud overhead. But it passed in a nanosecond because I knew it would serve no purpose. It wouldn't change the reality of the situation. Me being crazy stressed and upset wouldn't fix a damn thing. So I breathed, just breathed, for a long, somewhat awkward moment. My friend Jenne and her husband Devon were here, saying goodbye, when Corey came home from his car guy's house with the news. Their presence was serendipitous. Devon is a car guy himself and knows how to fix it for far less, completely safe, and will work until we get to Arizona and can order the $800 part without fear of running out of money mid-move. So tomorrow, Devon and Jenne are coming back and Devon shall help Corey. And I will get another chance to see my beautiful friend one last time before I leave! And there will be crying!!

There have been lessons learned with all of this. In all of my stress, there have been moments when I almost felt like I was cheating on myself. Yes, I know how weird that sounds! But it is true. Trying to change and be more positive is fabulous, but it is also possible to get too focused on that, which I tend to do. I forget to give myself permission to feel even the bad things, and then feel guilty about it when I do. But it is okay to feel these things; they are a part of life. What matters is what you do with the stress, how you handle it.

Stress is not something I have ever necessarily handled badly, at least to the outside world. I can handle just about anything that is thrown my way, and take care of just about anything. I am efficient, strong, and capable. I can always be counted on to take care of business. That is what everyone around me sees. What they don't see is what that stress is doing to me inside. And that's where it's different this time. Am I still stressed? Absolutely. But I am not consumed by it. I am able to see the positive, and actually believe in it. That is new and different and makes a world of difference!

Just breathe… Tomorrow is a new day!

Aug 15 2012

Wednesday Wishes!

Posted on 15 August 2012 by Kim

Craziness. That is the word of the times. Moving across the country with three kids, two cats, one dog, and two cars. Leaving one college-age kid behind. Leaving family and friends behind. All of this leads to crazy emotional roller coasters.

NOTE: All pics are clickable into a new window for easier viewing!

My 42d birthday was this past Sunday. Yep, that's me. The 42 year old woman with blazin' blue hair, as opposed to my usual, more sedate hot pink. Discretion and subtlety are boring, n'est-ce pas?! I don't mind age; it's just a number. Of course, my attitude about it is probably influenced by the fact that no one ever guess that I am the age that am! But, alas, I am a cougar, 9 years older than my lovely husband, something I am not so secretly quite proud of! So birthdays and aging don't bother me.

Most of my dysfunctionally functional family gathered at my favorite local cantina for one last dinner together before we leave. There was much laughter, much giggling. There was even a fried ice cream, complete with sparkler, that was delivered to me amid much singing. There was blushing on my part! Then we left for the park to indulge in the opening of gifts and cake eating.

I always get myself my own birthday cake, and this year was no exception. The cake lady always laughs at me for what I have written on it. Not with me, AT me. But that's okay. I like my cakes. I watched my 3yo nephew happily smear it all over his face before resuming his chase with my boys around the park. I watched my stepsister's boyfriend do as much chasing with her little one and mine as they themselves did.

And then the craziness began. My brother had to work early the next morning, and had a two hour drive home. That's when the craziness threatened to overtake me. A hint, blue eyeliner and mascara, even if it DOES match your hair, is not a good choice when there are going to be emotional farewells. My brother and I are close, very close, and knowing I am not going to see him for a long time? It kills me. In many ways, it has been him and I against the world. A team. I have been spoiled, being stationed here as long as I have. It has allowed me to get used to being in one spot, not something that is normal in Army life. And I am going to be leaving and it is hard.

That was just the beginning of the goodbyes. My stepmother was next. And then tomorrow, I am helping my ex-stepmother and my brother Michael move him into the dorms of his new college. The last act for a long time as a big sister. It's going to kill me. And then tomorrow, my son goes back to college. I will see him once more before I leave, as we roll through his city on the way to our new destination, but it will only be for moments. THAT is really going to kill me. And I have one more shot at my parents, and that will be that for who knows how long. And the goodbyes with friends have started, ad they are so hard. But I have one final stop to make. The cemetary. To say goodbye to my grandparents. I left after my grandfather died, but my grandmother was still alive, my connection. This time, when I leave, I leave knowing I am leaving them behind. I know that their souls are no longer here, that they will always be with me, but this place is my connection to them.

Grandma Ethel & Grandpa Vern

And this is where today's Wishcasting Wednesday comes in. What do you wish to learn?

My answer? I want to learn to relax, to zen out a little. My husband tells me that I am the one person in the world who has no real clue how to relax. Physically, mentally, in any way. And he is right. I suck at relaxing. I don't even know how it is possible to be a epic failure at such a thing, But I am. I can't even relax when he is trying to massage my shoulders. What I think is relaxed apparently feels like hardened concrete to him! There is value in being able to relax. It's good for the mind, the body, and the soul. It's healing in so many ways and I need some of that. So that is what I wish for myself.

What do you wish for?

Aug 14 2012

Letting it all go…

Posted on 14 August 2012 by Kim

That seems to be the theme of my life lately, letting go. I'm moving, so there is a lot of letting go of "stuff" going on, most of which causes me not a single moment of stress! But it also makes me think about those things that I hang on to and what they mean to me. Like my grandmother's hats. She died 4 years ago, but before she died, she gifted me all of her hats,. Hats from the days when ladies wore them to afternoon tea, to shop, to anything and everything. When I was a little girl, I loved to play dress up with them. Flowery garden party hats, Sunday hats, evening hats, I love them all. And there is no small amount of stress about them being packed up and moved. To me, they are priceless and I would be devastated if anything happened to them. I will never let them go. With them came a bunch of my grandfather's hats. He was a dapper guy and was of the belief that a well-dressed man wore hats. He was a lawyer, right until shortly before he passed, and he was never without his hat when he was dressed for court. I lost him in 1997 and my grandmother in 2008, and I am no closer to letting go of my collection of their things than I am to letting go of my ache of loss that I feel every day for them.

My favorite hat of my grandmother's, clickable in a new window for a larger view.

But letting go happens in other parts of life, and I have been doing a LOT of that, too. In some parts of my life, that has been surprisingly easy. In other parts, it is ridiculously difficult to do. Distrust and hurt and resentment. In my opinion, these three things are thoroughly intertwined. With one comes the other two. To me, they are the hardest things to let go of and set free. You can't just wake up and say "Okay. No matter what you have done to me in the past, I trust you now." At least, I haven't learned how to do that. The little things, sure. But there are things that happen in life that damage the heart and the soul and alter your feelings irrevocably. But is it irrevocable? I don't have the answer to that. Sometimes I think that there is no changing those wounds, but other days I am filled with hope. It is a process, learning to get past the wounds that others have inflicted upon you.

Why is feeling distrustful and resentful and hurt so difficult to get beyond? Sometimes it is the principle of the matter, and knowing that you were wronged for no legitimate reason. Other times, those reasons are continually justified because you are wronged over and over again. But the thing is, holding on to the hurt and the distrust and the resentment? It does nothing to those who wronged you. And it does nothing for you except drain you emotionally, even physically. Those feelings carry over into all parts of your life and into other relationships with friends and family. It is a fabulous idea to just distance yourself from those people, but that is an easy answer. And it is one that isn't always possible. This is something I am struggling a lot with lately. Just as soon as I think I am making a bit of progress, the situation slaps me in the face once again, and I am thrown into a pit of confusion once again. Sorting it out, or at least, figuring out how to deal with it, is important for the sake of my sanity. But it isn't easy. In any way.

Aug 11 2012

How easy it is to fall…

Posted on 11 August 2012 by Kim

The last few weeks have been all about change for me.. It is needed and it is time. A big part of change, in my opinion, is the journey to it. Open heart, open mind, and you can discover so much and learn so much. And I have. Some of it comes from new blogs focused just on this sort of thing, and some of it comes with truly supportive friends. I have never been one to follow along a single line of thought, always eclectic. I am pretty eclectic in everything!! But I am also a big believer that there is something to be learned or gained from most everywhere. Even if not taken or used in the same way, there is still wisdom to be gained. And one thing I have learned is that, no matter how much you want change, it isn't always easy.

The other thing that I have learned is that it is all too easy to fall back ito old habits, especially in long-standing, completely toxic, dysfunctional situations. That is my day today. On the surface, the situation seems pretty benign. But there is so much more to it. There are years and years of crap that goes along with it. It has made the current moment almost a symbol, a representation, of all the attached BS. I have spent most of my almost 42 years having it slapped in my face how little I matter to this person. And the thing is, I can say from my soul with complete honesty and confidence, the reason I am hated is not a single thing that I did wrong. Part of it was control. I couldn't be controlled. And I don't mean this in a negative way. I wasn't an out of control teen, always in trouble or anything like that. It was that I had my own opinions, my own dreams, my own vision of my future. I could think for myself and did so. I wasn't disobedient, none of that. I just was my own person. And this isn't just my own opinion of myself. This is the opinion of everyone else but this person. The rest of it comes from the choices this person has made, consistently choosing an inanimate object over the animate. There is so much more I want to share on this subject, so much more that I need to share. But I can't because the person in question could very easily read this blog and ake my life a living hell.

To be honest, part of me wonders why I care because that person has never once given a crap about me, even though they are supposed to. But that isn't who I am. But bottling it up is going against who I am. I talked about that yesterday, dealing with your negative crap and letting it go. And here I am, the very next day, bottlling it up. I realize that there are more ways to deal and let it out than my blog, but writing has always been my biggest therapy. And, really, I can barely talk about it because the tears start coming. So writing is my outlet.

And, I have to say, there is no small amount of beating myself up about it. I kind of feel like I am giving them my power, being a doormat, for letting them make me feel so sad and hurt. Even after all this time and the sheer amount of BS, it still hurts me to the soul. Why do I still let it bother me?! It's been proved time and time again how little I mean to them, and still, here I am, destrpyed. That's so not healthy or right. But the nature of the relationship makes it hard to sever.

So here I am, falling once again. This is going to be a true test of how much I want change I CAN'T LOSE THIS!