I took a step back since posting yesterday, trying to figure out where to start unraveling. Things are so interconnected that it can be overwhelming to find a place to start. I am a list maker. I love a "to do" list when I have a task at hand. I start with the things that are the most important or due the soonest and I work down my list. But that kind of practical approach really doesn't work so well with things like this. Trying to sort yourself out and change your life just isn't that cut and dry, that black and white. It's tangled and messy and confusing and often overwhelming. So I thought about it and decided that I should work with what is the biggest deal for me right now. I have spent a good portion of my almost 42 years never really letting myself have the time and space to deal with anything very deeply. I have always been fiercely independent and strong. I have always taken pride in my ability to deal with anything that is thrown my way. I like being strong and I love the freedom that knowing that I can deal with anything gives me. It has sort of become my badge of honor. Anything less than that became a sign of personal weakness, if I am being honest. It's only recently that I am accepting that some of the things that I have gone through really should be dealt with and that doing so isn't weak, but smart. My attitude about weakness really hasn't been helped in recent years. There are a lot of reasons for that, but they are reasons I want to save for another day because I suspect that they will lead into a whole other avenue of introspection.
But today is about where to start unraveling. Even after all my thinking, I couldn't quite pinpoint what is the biggest deal for me at the moment. It wasn't until I went to Jamie's blog for today's Wishcasting Wednesday prompt that I figured it out. Today's prompt asked what it was that we want to experience. And it hit me that what I want to experience is self-acceptance, in every way. I want to accept how I look, how I feel. On good days and on bad. With that, I want to be not afraid of what I come across in my journey to a new and happier me. I have to remember that I have been through some serious crap in my life and that it is more than okay to admit that some of it has damaged me. It is okay to feel damaged, to acknowledge it. Because that is the only way I will be free. Otherwise, it will continue to affect everything I do and I don't want that. So that's my wish. To accept myself fully and without fear and self-judgement.
I have wished, and so it shall be!
On a totally different note… the amount of negativity I have encountered today is a wee bit disheartening. I am trying very hard not to be drained by it or annoyed by it, but it is not at all easy. I feel like my parade is being rained on, even though it really isn't a big deal OR even personal. And it is something that I myself have done a thousand times. I think my quest for positivity has had the unexpected side affect of making the negative that much more visible to me. But I guess there is a lesson to be learned in it and that is that negativity is so incredibly easy to fall into and it can poison everyone around you. The hard part is staying positive in the face of it.