I have never felt so out of control with myself in my life. I have always been the strong independent type, the one that everyone else comes to. I am still that person to the rest of the world. But there are a lot of times that I feel like my ability to function like that is an act, an award winning performance. Half the time, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Some days, I feel like I do pretty damn well, back to my old self. Other days, it truly feels like the Universe hates my guts.
The thing about all of these things that have happened is that it has completely undermined my ability to trust. In people, in my spirituality, in the Universe. My spirituality used to be the one thing that kept me together, gave me peace. But how do you maintain belief and faith in a world that you are so angry at? And I am angry. I feel like I can’t catch a break. The things that keep me afloat are little things, superficial things that make me feel better in the moment. But it doesn’t last because, in the end, they are meaningless. There was a line in a Supernatural episode once when Dean was told to “fake it until he makes it.” That has sort of been my lifestyle, especially over the last several months. But I realized that I was faking it more and making it less. It’s easy to become apathetic and all too easy to get used to faking it and stop caring about anything more. I think that is where I have gotten to and it needs to stop.
But how? That’s the million dollar question. And I have no answers.