May 13 2013

News on the baby front…

Posted on 13 May 2013 by Kim

I had my repeat amnio Friday, an event that is truly an experience in and of itself. A traumatic one at that. An amnio is not something that someone with an intense fear of needles ever wants to go through. The first attempt, 3 weeks ago, was an epic failure because my membranes weren't sealed enough for the needle to penetrate. So we went back Friday, after a tumultuous time with Tricare and my OB office. The first attempt failed, too, because the needle was too short to get where they needed to go after the baby moved. So I ended up having yet another attempt, close to my belly button, which required more than a little bit of digging around to get where it needed to go. To say that I did not enjoy the experience would be the understatement of the year. It was absolutely petrifying to say the least.

Before we did it, I had the longest ultrasound I have ever had in my life! But, in the end, I am happy they did…! Why? Look below and click for a larger view!

Yes, that's right! A girl! Who knew? I had pretty much resigned myself to the idea that I was only capable of producing boys! So a little girl is pretty amazing. Here's a few more clickable shots.

But I am still waiting on the results of the amnio itself. The FISH test is due tomorrow or Wednesday, the rest of the tests confirming it and the results coming over the next couple of weeks. I am terrified, thanks to the first OB from hell. And it being compounded by the judgments I am getting for how I am reacting to being pregnant and being pregnant with a girl. And that sure as hell isn't helping me at all.

The fact is that I am scared. Scared that there are going to be things wrong with this baby that mean I will never have her. And it will break my heart. I am afraid to fall in love with this child, afraid to let myself be happy, because I just don't know yet. It doesn't mean I don't want to be, just that I know what it will do to me if the worst comes to be. If the universe gives me my girl just to take her away, it will destroy me. I know this. And I feel like I have to protect myself until I know there is no need to.

But apparently that makes me a terrible person. I have had this conversation more than once, questioned to the point of interrogation about why I am not more excited, why I haven't started shopping and planning. I have explained, and tried to do it in a nice way with social cues that really should be picked up. And instead, I get lectured over and over about why I am so wrong and even intimating that, should anything go wrong, it is my fault for my way of thinking. I guess the fact that DNA is DNA and has nothing to do with it means nothing. But, yeah, it definitely helps to be told that I am at fault.

Why can't I deal with this in my own way and feel how I do without being judged for it, without being told how I should be and what I should do? This is my life, my heart. I am stressed beyond all that is imaginable about this and the judgments are doing nothing but making it worse.

May 1 2013

The stress is killing me…

Posted on 1 May 2013 by Kim

Despite my love for my blog therapy, I have been completely unable to get beyond a sentence or two for a few weeks. I have been so completely overwhelmed with stress with the baby and with school that I often feel like a broken record. Not even my blog has helped relieve that.

Baby News

I was supposed to have my amnio on this past Monday, which would have meant answers by Friday. Well, that didn't happen so I have had a non-stop series of mini-breakdowns since Friday afternoon. The OB's office called me mid-afternoon Friday and told me that Obstetrix (the high risk pregnancy center out of Tuscon) had not received the Tricare referral number they needed. Tricare has been a mess since they switche carriers from TriWest. Things are backlogged, records screwed up. I have spent a good portion of my time on th phone with them, trying to get my referrals straight. It hasn't helped matters that, in the midst of this, I switched OBs, too. So I called Tricare. It was still pending but they told me that if I had Obstetrix call the Medical Management office, they would immediately set it straight and everything would be okay. So I called Obstetrix, but they weren't the referring office; the OB was. I called the OB office back, told them this, and the receptionist refused to call because she thought it would take too long. I had already had one attempt at the amnio so she had me call Obstetrix back ang get that referral number because it should be the same. Turns out I never should have had the attempt because it was never in the system for referral. They had called my old OB that day and she submitted the referral for the retry appointment, the one that is pending. When I switched OBs, all the referrals in place with her switched one for one to my new doctor, so there was no issue there. I called the OB once again and the receptionist absolutely refused to even attempt it. Now I understand not being able to spend hours on the phone, waiting for an answer, but she could have at least tried. I talked to those people about 4 times in this process and had no problem getting through. By this time, I was in tears. Nothing I said made a difference, despite the fact that my stress and angst was very obvious. So no appointment. I have an OB appointment tomorrow and something better change with this.

I realize that many probably think I am making too big a deal out of this, but it is what it is for me. I recognize that part of my problem is the horrific experience I had with the first OB, but some of it is because I know just how high risk I am. My gestational diabetes, while borderline, still isn't always where they want it to be, no matter how I eat. My glyberide doses have changed so maybe that will help. But the fact remains that there a lot of things that can go wrong. And as my original OB has repeatedly told me, there is still a good chance that my baby will have issues that are incompatible with life. The longer this amnio, and my answers, get put off, the more my options and choices diminish. The bottom line is that I need answers. The stress is not doing me any good. I cry a ton and I spend a whole lot of time not sleeping.

School News

I love my school; I truly do. My issues are simply with this one professor. Nothing seems to be getting any better on the school front. No matter what I or my mentor do, my professor seems to be completely unmotivated to do anything at all. The semester is over on Friday and I am no closer to a resolution of it than I was before the semester began. My mentor has tried to get results; I have tried to get results. Nothing. It is truly irritating.

SUNY Empire State is the biggest in the SUNY system, with campuses all over the place, including overseas and on military posts. I go to the Center of Distance Learning portion of it. They offer classes in a bunch of different formats. Most of mine are regular CDL online classes, taken through the Angel bulletin board system. I also take a lot of independent study, thanks to my creative writing major. Those are either through the CDL itself or considered to be "college-wide," where the instructors are assigned to specific campuses with my university. Both of my classes in crisis are with the same professor, CW independent studies with her assigned to the Central New York zone.

Because she is not CDL, my mentor has had to go through her local boss, upon whom I am waiting for a phone call to discuss my issue. With the semester two days from the end, a resolution would be nice. Fortunately for me, I am a email hoarder and have proof up the wazoo. A bunch of resolutions have been suggested by my mentor, so I guess I will see,

Resolution 1: Withdraw without penalty, but then I would have to pay back my tuition.
Resolution 2: Have her get her act together and spend my summer "off" finally doing the courses.
Resolution 3: Find another teacher teach these classes, but they are obscure subject.
Resolution 4: Find another teacher to teach me other classes that fulfill the same requirements.

Frankly, I need answers and resolutions here, too. GRRR!

Apr 12 2013

Feeling defeated…

Posted on 12 April 2013 by Kim

I am feeling more defeated by the day with this pregnancy, defeated to a point that I am finding it hard to get past it. It is just pushed into my face again and again how high risk I am. My age, my weight, the gestational diabetes. I understand all of these things. Is it really necessary that it be said over and over and over again, even in a single conversation? I know how old I am. I know the risks. I know how much I weigh. I know the risks. I know I have gestational diabetes. I know the risks. I also know that I can't do anything about my age. It just sort of happens. I also know that my weight is not from being fat and lazy and eating all the time, which is the implication every time it is pointed out. My weight is the result of almost 7 years of being ill. I also know that I am doing all I can for the gestational diabetes.

Last week, I saw the nutritionist and she spent the entire time talking to me like I was purposely fat just to hurt my baby. She talked to me in a very slow speed, as if I were too stupid to understand multisyllabic words. She didn't want to hear anything I had to say. It's insulting.

I know that the doctor means well and is trying to take care of me and my baby and I appreciate that. But her bedside manner and tact need work. I don't need to be told multiple time how old I am, how fat I am, how high risk I am. I counted today and in a single 20 minute consultation, these three things were brought up 18 times. That is not necessary. We all know I am old. We all know I am a bit overweight. We all know I am high risk. Like the nutritionist, she doesn't always want to hear what I have to say, dismissing me as if I am trying to blow sunshine up her ass. Or talking to me like I am an idiot. She was bombarding me with info about tests and screenings today, one right after another. I had a question regarding the difference between two procedures and she ripped the papers she had just given me right out of my hand with a huge sigh of disgust. Was that really necessary? Did she have to make me feel even worse in the midst of a stressful situation? Not to mention the lovely paper cut I now have.

Does it have to be slammed in my face constantly, as if I am at fault for things that haven't even happened yet? I am not an idiot. I get that I am high risk. I don't need to be told this ad infinitum. I understand it. Having it pushed in my face all the time does nothing but add to the stress, the fear, the worry. Is it necessary to constantly make me feel as if I am the scum of the earth for getting pregnant? Is it necessary to make me feel like I am a terrible person? Is it necessary to treat me as if I am a dolt with no brain? I can't escape it.

Apr 9 2013

Tryin’ to get my learnin’ on…

Posted on 9 April 2013 by Kim

I have never in my life tried so hard to learn something in my life and it is frustrating as hell. Before this semester, I was so looking forward to my two independent study classes, Women of Faerie and The Faerie Realm in Folklore and Literature, both taught by the same professor. I registered for them last November and, as is the rule for IS classes, I immediately emailed the professor for reading lists and learning contracts. Nothing. We are supposed to receive these things no later than 10 days prior to the start of the semester, which began the 22nd of January. I finally got a tentative learning contract with a tentative reading list four days before classes started. No real guidance on the assignments for the class and nothing at all for the second class. I tried to get a hold of her again and never got an answer until mid-February. Still no guidance on the assignments and nothing for the other class. I had to get my mentor involved and the woman finally got in contact with me at the beginning of March. I got a half-assed excuse as to why she dissed her responsibilities for half the semester. By the end of the conversation, I had little more guidance than before it. I basically had to make up my own assignments for the Folklore class and her input was a bunch of wishy washy “you could do this” and ” you could do that” and not much else. Still nothing on the other class other than saying that some of it could overlap with the Folklore class. What the effing hell? Who is the teacher here? I finally took the bull by the horns and told her I would email her a list of ideas for assignments, which I did a couple days later. It was another week and a half before she got back to me, mid-March, with zero guidance and telling me my ideas looked good. Mind you, at this point we were in the middle of week 9 of 15, more than half the semester gone. And I still have no learning contract for the Women class. There is no possible way I can get this all done by the end of the semester, not without trashing my 3.97 GPA. So I asked for an extension. It’s been over a week and I have still heard nothing. I went to my mentor and she is having to hook me up today. We are in week 11 and I have 4 weeks to go. This is unacceptable. This is a high-level college class. I am trying to do the work, to learn something. And I can’t get anywhere with it. It sure as hell isn’t because I am trying to get out of anything. I bust my ass for school. Just ask my kids and my husband. I work hard. There is no excuse for a professor to act like this. And I sure as hell don’t need the stress!

Mar 19 2013

When do I get to be excited?

Posted on 19 March 2013 by Kim

This pregnancy hasn’t been as much fun as I would like it to be. Unexpected, yes, but not as much fun. I am happy about it, but not as excited as I would like to be. I am finding it hard to really get excited, for a bunch of reasons. And I really want that to change.

For one, I don’t think I have entirely grasped the idea that I even AM pregnant. I spent the last several years in such crappy health and having my doctor tell me that it wasn’t even possible. So then, at the ripe old age of 42, finding out that I am pregnant was a bit of a shock. And with that comes the constant worry about the health of this baby. There are risks when one is the age that I am and I worry about that constantly. The stress is almost overwhelming sometimes. We go for genetic counseling (more on that in a moment) on 15 April in Tuscon to see about various tests available to me to check on the baby. The fact is that I am a high risk pregnancy, partially due to my age and partially due to my weight. My health has caused me to put on weight over the last several years, although it has gotten progressively better since moving to Arizona. In fact, that improved health is probably exactly why I was able to get pregnant at all. But it is what it is. I have more weight on me than is ideal, although I have lost a lot since being here. My OB/GYN wants me on a 1500 calorie-a-day diet, so that I add no more weight during my pregnancy but get sufficient nutrition for Baby Zoe (named in the tradition of all my embryos after Sesame Street characters). This doesn’t sound like a lot, and I thought it was going to be hard to do. I was right, but not for the reasons I thought. For the last several years, despite the weight gain, I have not been eating like I should. It isn’t that I have been eating crap and ballooning. Actually, the weight is a side effect of the health issues, NOT food. I have been so sick that keeping much of anything down has been sort of “hit and miss”. Corey is always on me that I haven’t eaten enough, which I pushed off. While I knew in my head that he was right, the size of my ass argued with me. I always joke that if I am going to have a fat ass, I ought to have the appetite to go with it. So, when the doctor told me this, I downloaded an excellent calorie counter app to my phone and I religiously record everything I eat. The astounding thing for me was how hard it was to keep to this. I didn’t realize just how little I eat until I started tracking it. My first day, I made about 900+ calories by 2200 and had to push myself to get to 1300. My second day was worse, just over 1100 calories. Today, even counting in my dinner for tonight, lunch, breakfast, and a snack, I am just over 900 calories. I need more than that for this baby. I feel like I am stuffing myself, even though it is healthy food I am eating. I had no idea how stressful this could be!

But the hardest part to get past is the sheer amount of judgment that is being cast my way from unexpected places. It isn’t about my age and pregnancy, but about being pregnant at all and my own personal choices. I feel like I have to justify my pregnancy, and that just shouldn’t be. There are those who are acting as if I did this on purpose, simply to offend them. Which is insane, since I didn’t even think it was possible to even get pregnant. The passive-aggressive, snarky comments behind my back… they don’t escape my notice and they hurt. My being pregnant is no reflection on anyone else and my choices are my own. So the comments about mothers with multiple children having more children being irresponsible… not your judgment to make. If I can afford them and can love them, then that is what counts. I don’t deserve to be judged simply because I am fertile. Nature ran its course, end of story. And yet, with this post, I have justified my pregnancy. Not right.

I made a comment recently on my Facebook page about the fact that we were going to genetic counseling. That was all I said, that we had an appointment for it. I ended up taking it down because, within seconds, I was attacked by several people. The fact that I am going for counseling is nobody’s decision or business but mine and Corey’s. The fact is that my age is a factor in the health of my baby. Genetic counseling and testing is a tool. Counseling is an information gathering appointment, plain and simple. It educates us on risks, possible tests, and what they mean for us. That is it. I believe in being prepared for anything I can be. That’s what genetic counseling and testing is. It is not a statement on any potential choices I make, although those, too, are my right and my business. I was called all kinds of names by several people who thought they had the right to tell me what my choices should or shouldn’t be. This is my pregnancy, my family, my body, my choices, my business. The fact is that when Tyler was born with his cleft lip and palate, I wasn’t prepared. The special tests I had had done prior to birth when there was a suspicion of it were never read, so I was blindsided when he was born. I was a basket case with guilt and fear. I don’t ever want to go through that again. Hence, being prepared. And, once again, I have justified my choices, which truly pisses me off.

It makes it hard to get excited when I am in a constant state of stress. Between the worry and the hurt from those who are supposed to be my friends, it puts a damper on it all. And it doesn’t help that Corey has something inexplicable going on with his left arm that worries the hell out of me. It started out with some numbing on the pads of a few fingers and a random area on his left area. He went to the doctor who couldn’t find anything obvious, but ruled out pinched nerves and felt it would go away in a week or two. It’s been a week and now he has discovered that there is a definitive loss of strength in that arm. This scares the hell out of me.

All in all, it has been kind of rough going emotionally, and that doesn’t really help. I need support, not judgment.