Sep 28 2009

Grudges

Posted on 28 September 2009 by Kim

I pride myself on being open-minded and forgiving, but I am definately having issues with the ex-husband. I didn’t think any of the drama with him bothered me any more, but I am beginning to think that I was fooling myself, that it was just a matter of out of sight, out of mind. At first, I thought it was just the stuff that had to do with Ka’lani that bothered me, but if I am being honest, there is definately more to it.

He comes back into my life after years of silence, after a marriage that left me pretty scarred. This guy cheated on me and lied to me, repeatedly, over the course of our short marriage. It took me a long time to figure out what was happening because it was so far from how I thought that I just didn’t see the signs that are so obvious in hindsight. People told me what was going on, but I wore blinders and didn’t believe a thing they told me. Even after, I did figure it out, I stayed for a long time. I wanted so much for it to work, but I finally realized that it was never going to, and that wasn’t my fault. It took me a long time to get to the point where I accepted that, but I did. Life went on and I thought I had moved beyond the bitterness and the anger.

But now I feel like a doormat all over again. He has taken to talking to me about his problems with his wife and sometimes it just feels like a slap in the face. He tells me all about how much it hurts to be cheated on and how lost he feels, etc. It makes me want to scream sometimes. I feel like it is a big slap in the face because he clearly doesn’t get or is ignoring the fact that this is exactly what he did to me, but far more times. He expects sympathy from me about it, and on some level, I do have sympathy. But how does he not get how much it hurts to hear him talk about how hard it is on him?! It’s like his feelings matter, and mine never did.

And no matter how many times I try to rationalize it, it still bothers the hell out of me that he doesn’t acknowledge Ka’lani as his. It is such a slap in the face to Ka’lani and to me, and neither one of us deserve it. He has a daughter, who is beautiful, but he has a son, too, damn it.

I guess somewhere inside me I really need some acknowledgement for what he has done, for him to take responsibility for all the pain he caused, to apologize. I think he is a good guy at heart, I really do. But it would be nice to really see it.

Sep 1 2009

Where did the summer go?!

Posted on 1 September 2009 by Kim

Redeployment blues,…
Well, Corey left for Afghanistan yesterday, at the absolute butt crack of dawn. We live 2+ hours from the airport so we left home at 0230. That meant, for me, getting up at 0130. That, well, SUCKED! We went to bed early, so early that neither of us were able to fall asleep until it was almost pointless. So, I got a whole hour or so of sleep before getting up! YAY! NOT!! I thought Corey was nuts, wanting to leave at 0230, since his flight wasn’t until 0630, but, as it turns out, the man was right to leave so early. Getting to the airport wasn’t the problem. The fun began once we were there. Suprisingly, the place was busy as hell, even at that hour of the morning, but they are high speed, low drag, and we got through the line fairly quickly, especially since he only had to check his ruck sack as baggage. So we headed upstairs to go through security. We got there and realized we had forgotten to ask for a guest pass for me to go to the gate with him. So, back downstairs we went, back into the same lines we had just left. AARRGG! But it was quick and back upstairs we went. Then the real fun began. I went through without a problem. It was the soldier that had to go through hell, all for the dubious honor of going back to Afghanistan!! He emptied his pockets and took off his belt. Lucky for him, his boots aren’t fitted with metal shanks so they let him keep those on. But the machine didn’t like him. That was when he realized he had forgotten to remove his dog tags. Fine, another attempt. No good. They reset it and had him go again. Still no good. So they stuck him in this little glass enclosure for another scan, making him look like he was in a cell! No good. They took him out, used the wand all over his legs and it kept going off in places where there was NOTHING! It went nuts on his arm and that was when he realized he had forgotten a tiny piece of shrapnel in his pocket, a souvenir from a too-close rocket hit a few months ago. But, even with that out, he still set it off. They frisked him so thoroughly that I think he should have been bought dinner first! It is an experience to watch your man be so thoroughly felt up by a team of people!! They never did find a thing, and he was finally let through,… after almost an hour of intimate touching! They definately earned their money that day!

So he is gone now, somewhere between Germany and Kuwait by now, I assume. I came home, an adventure in itself as tired as I was, and took Ka’lani to his middle school orientation. I tried so hard to stay functional, but by about 1345, I realized I was losing the battle. Other than a few spurts of consciousness, I was toast until the alarm went off this morning!! I was so tired that I could barely say my own name!

The end of summer already?
I can’t believe summer is over already. It feels like it just started but the kids go back to school on Thursday. I can’t believe Donovan is going to be a flippin’ SENIOR!! How is it possible that I am old enough for that?! Ka’lani will be starting 7th grade, Scott in 3rd, and Ty in 1st. Where does the time go?! And Donovan’s 17th birthday is next Friday, too. 17!!! How did THAThappen?!

This summer has definately been one of change and unexpected things. There have definately been a lot of ups and downs, many of which are still going on with me. But the ups have made the downs easier to deal with. Corey was home for the last two weeks, which was WONDERFUL and came at the perfect time. The kids and I did some fun things this summer which was a great break from some serious amounts of stress. Somehow, I have reconnected, AND been friendly with my ex-husband, which has definately been an awkward thing in many ways, but still a positive thing. I am reconnecting with his sister and mother, too, which was DEFINATELY unexpected. I always liked his mom, though. Weirder things have happened, I supposed, but none come to mind!!

Aug 14 2009

Hmmm,….

Posted on 14 August 2009 by Kim

Maybe I am just being overly cynical and suspicious. I don’t know. I guess it is hard to guage the attitude and motivation behind an online conversation, especially when that conversation is with someone you haven’t seen since they were very young and therefore hardly know. But the whole tone of the conversation just kind of put me off. The situation itself is awkward as hell, but she had nothing directly to do with how it got that way, more just guilty by association. When she approached me online, I will admit, I was suspicious as hell, and sent a message asking some questions I felt I not only needed to ask, but was entitled to ask. The answers I got to my questions satisified me, so I accepted. And since then, I have tried to be friendly and remember that she had no part in the situation. But yesterday, I got a message from her, demanding that now that she had answered my questions, I add her. I kinda thought that was a little aggressive, but I wrote back, telling her I already had added her. Then today, she IM’d me and wanted to see some specific pictures, which I had no problem with. I guess it was the demands that got to me. There was no “please”, no “thank you”, no appreciation. The fact is, whether or not she had anything to do with the situation at hand, I owe none of them anything at all. It took a real leap of faith for me to allow even this. And I don’t want to think that there is anything else behind this than what she says.

Jul 6 2009

A little of this and a little of that!

Posted on 6 July 2009 by Kim

A whole lotta not much going on,…
The downside of summer vacation is that a whole lot less is going on, which equates to me having a whole lot less to blog about! Not that the life of a Domestic Goddess is ever all that exciting, but you get the idea! The upside is that I have actually been getting some sleep lately. My best sleep doesn’t really start until about 0300, never good when one has to get up at 0530 during the school year. So I feel like a lady of leisure when I don’t emerge from my boudoir until 1000 or later. Of course, once I emerge, the harsh reality of children, laundry and cleaning bitch slaps me across the face.

Back in a day,…
This next week will be like reliving my past! Tonight I am meeting my friend Joe at Sergi’s, THE pizza hangout in Potsdam. I haven’t seen him in about 21 years, or spoken to him until a couple months ago via Facebook. And Saturday is my friend Selina’s wedding and there will be a bunch of people there that I haven’t seen in forever. My friend Jerry will be there and I haven’t seen him since I was 24. And Joel will be there, and that will be interesting. Joel is an ex-boyfriend who is now my cousin, thanks to his mom marrying into the family!! My high school reunion, a year late, is also Saturday night, so I will get to see a whole bunch of people from back in a day. Fun!

Feb 24 2009

Ginny & Her Baubles

Posted on 24 February 2009 by Kim

I recently reconnected with my friend Ginny from high school through Facebook and have now become a devoted stalker of her blog, Luna’s Baublebilities. Her blog is devoted to her crafty endeavors, namely beadwork. Her jewelry is beyond amazing and I love reading about her pieces and how she creates them. She has an amazing eye for color and design and I love seeing her photos of her works in progress as she creates the pieces. She is currently working on a piece for a wedding set and it is a really interesting piece. It is necklace, done asymetrically and I love the look and the colors she chose for it. She sells a lot of her pieces on Etsy in a shop of the same name HERE. I am completely jonesing for the Oread bracelet, which I think is simply gorgeous! I bought a pair of earrings this morning, called Hot Pink Go-Go earrings, and I can’t wait to get them! She also has a beading supply store on Etsy, Goblin’s Market, which has a TON of great things! Go check her stuff out; it is beautiful!