Mar 19 2013

When do I get to be excited?

Posted on 19 March 2013 by Kim

This pregnancy hasn’t been as much fun as I would like it to be. Unexpected, yes, but not as much fun. I am happy about it, but not as excited as I would like to be. I am finding it hard to really get excited, for a bunch of reasons. And I really want that to change.

For one, I don’t think I have entirely grasped the idea that I even AM pregnant. I spent the last several years in such crappy health and having my doctor tell me that it wasn’t even possible. So then, at the ripe old age of 42, finding out that I am pregnant was a bit of a shock. And with that comes the constant worry about the health of this baby. There are risks when one is the age that I am and I worry about that constantly. The stress is almost overwhelming sometimes. We go for genetic counseling (more on that in a moment) on 15 April in Tuscon to see about various tests available to me to check on the baby. The fact is that I am a high risk pregnancy, partially due to my age and partially due to my weight. My health has caused me to put on weight over the last several years, although it has gotten progressively better since moving to Arizona. In fact, that improved health is probably exactly why I was able to get pregnant at all. But it is what it is. I have more weight on me than is ideal, although I have lost a lot since being here. My OB/GYN wants me on a 1500 calorie-a-day diet, so that I add no more weight during my pregnancy but get sufficient nutrition for Baby Zoe (named in the tradition of all my embryos after Sesame Street characters). This doesn’t sound like a lot, and I thought it was going to be hard to do. I was right, but not for the reasons I thought. For the last several years, despite the weight gain, I have not been eating like I should. It isn’t that I have been eating crap and ballooning. Actually, the weight is a side effect of the health issues, NOT food. I have been so sick that keeping much of anything down has been sort of “hit and miss”. Corey is always on me that I haven’t eaten enough, which I pushed off. While I knew in my head that he was right, the size of my ass argued with me. I always joke that if I am going to have a fat ass, I ought to have the appetite to go with it. So, when the doctor told me this, I downloaded an excellent calorie counter app to my phone and I religiously record everything I eat. The astounding thing for me was how hard it was to keep to this. I didn’t realize just how little I eat until I started tracking it. My first day, I made about 900+ calories by 2200 and had to push myself to get to 1300. My second day was worse, just over 1100 calories. Today, even counting in my dinner for tonight, lunch, breakfast, and a snack, I am just over 900 calories. I need more than that for this baby. I feel like I am stuffing myself, even though it is healthy food I am eating. I had no idea how stressful this could be!

But the hardest part to get past is the sheer amount of judgment that is being cast my way from unexpected places. It isn’t about my age and pregnancy, but about being pregnant at all and my own personal choices. I feel like I have to justify my pregnancy, and that just shouldn’t be. There are those who are acting as if I did this on purpose, simply to offend them. Which is insane, since I didn’t even think it was possible to even get pregnant. The passive-aggressive, snarky comments behind my back… they don’t escape my notice and they hurt. My being pregnant is no reflection on anyone else and my choices are my own. So the comments about mothers with multiple children having more children being irresponsible… not your judgment to make. If I can afford them and can love them, then that is what counts. I don’t deserve to be judged simply because I am fertile. Nature ran its course, end of story. And yet, with this post, I have justified my pregnancy. Not right.

I made a comment recently on my Facebook page about the fact that we were going to genetic counseling. That was all I said, that we had an appointment for it. I ended up taking it down because, within seconds, I was attacked by several people. The fact that I am going for counseling is nobody’s decision or business but mine and Corey’s. The fact is that my age is a factor in the health of my baby. Genetic counseling and testing is a tool. Counseling is an information gathering appointment, plain and simple. It educates us on risks, possible tests, and what they mean for us. That is it. I believe in being prepared for anything I can be. That’s what genetic counseling and testing is. It is not a statement on any potential choices I make, although those, too, are my right and my business. I was called all kinds of names by several people who thought they had the right to tell me what my choices should or shouldn’t be. This is my pregnancy, my family, my body, my choices, my business. The fact is that when Tyler was born with his cleft lip and palate, I wasn’t prepared. The special tests I had had done prior to birth when there was a suspicion of it were never read, so I was blindsided when he was born. I was a basket case with guilt and fear. I don’t ever want to go through that again. Hence, being prepared. And, once again, I have justified my choices, which truly pisses me off.

It makes it hard to get excited when I am in a constant state of stress. Between the worry and the hurt from those who are supposed to be my friends, it puts a damper on it all. And it doesn’t help that Corey has something inexplicable going on with his left arm that worries the hell out of me. It started out with some numbing on the pads of a few fingers and a random area on his left area. He went to the doctor who couldn’t find anything obvious, but ruled out pinched nerves and felt it would go away in a week or two. It’s been a week and now he has discovered that there is a definitive loss of strength in that arm. This scares the hell out of me.

All in all, it has been kind of rough going emotionally, and that doesn’t really help. I need support, not judgment.

Mar 8 2013

The good and the bad…

Posted on 8 March 2013 by Kim

The good…

Well, the telling of the children went well! I told Donovan who responded with a series of “OMG, OMG, OMG” before calming down. For the younger three, Corey set the stick down on the table and acted like he found it in the trash and somebody was in trouble! They sat in stunned silence for a moment. Scott and Ka’lani recognized it for what it was and just sat there. Corey told them to look at it, which they did. Ka’lani mutters “pregnant” at just about the same time Scott did. It took about 10 more seconds for them to get it and then they went nuts. Ka’lani squealed for about a half hour. Scott just sat there and grinned at me with a goofy face. Ty jumped up and hugged me and started kissing my stomach. He was the one I was worried about, seeing as he is my little man and super attached to me. Instead, he is all kinds of excited. So I am much relieved by that!

The bad…

I have clearly irritated some people by getting pregnant. I have had more than my fair share of snotty comments made to me about it. I also had a few be nice to my face and then go ahead and be passive-aggressively rude about it. I respect that there are those with fertility issues and such, but I didn’t plan my unplanned pregnancy to offend anyone. Hell, I didn’t truly think I still could get pregnant. So that sucks, but what exactly am I supposed to do about it? It definitely sucks, because I could really use a good friend right now about it.

In the meantime, it is what it is. I am definitely concerned about my age and all the issues that can come with that, but I can’t do anything about that for awhile yet. I am trying not to stress too hard about it, but it is really not easy to do. Today I go see the nurse on post for pregnancy counseling and to get set up with a referral to an OB/GYN in town to get my pre-natal started.

Holy crap. How the hell did this happen?! Yes, I know what leads to it (!) but I am still beyond shocked and a little freaked out about it!

Mar 7 2013

What a week,… and it is only Thursday!

Posted on 7 March 2013 by Kim

I don’t even know where to start! So much in just a short amount of time. Maybe chronologically…!

Prof Love

Goodness Kim, this is close to a masterpiece and completely publishable in a military oriented magazine or website.

-Professor Jeff Cahan

This is really the least of it all, but a moment that really made me feel amazingly good. The above is the first line of an email I got on Tuesday night and saw first thing yesterday morning. He is my Creative Nonfiction professor, commenting on a draft I wrote for the class. It was about homecomings, those wonderful nights when soldiers come home from deployment. That he felt this way really meant a lot. That Corey lost it while reading it last night meant even more. I’m on the right track!

Amazingly Brilliant Son Love

So Donovan decided to graduate a year early from college, even with a double major. This left him with many months less than average to complete his thesis and go through the grad school process. This year has been rough on him, crazy busy and stressed to the max. He called me yesterday at lunch time, sobbing hysterically to the point that, if it hadn’t been for Caller ID, I wouldn’t have known it was him. It scared the living hell out of me. But it wasn’t bad, it was amazingly, wonderfully good. He got into grad school at Boston University! It is a crazy competitive program, intense as hell because they do the same amount of work in 2 years that most programs do in 4. Only 15 people are selected, so he had to beat out several hundred for his slot. So awesome! It is one of the top schools in the country for forensic anthropology (think Bones) AND his first choice. I am so ridiculously proud of him!

And Baby Makes Seven

Yeah, you read that right. I am pregnant. You could have knocked me over with a feather. NOT expected AT all. A little scary, really, considering I will be 43 this summer. I honestly didn’t think I still could GET in the family way. I guess I can hope for a girl this time, huh?

I got a lot of love for it, which I appreciate. But I have gotten some hate, too. I am trying to be understanding about that, too, but I can’t deny that it hurts a bit.

It’s been a bit of a “what the hell” kind of week!

Dec 9 2012

Catching up…

Posted on 9 December 2012 by Kim

Time flies…

It's been more than a month since I last blogged. I had been good about blogging regularly, but I needed to take a bit of a step back, I guess. I have been taking a bit of a social media hiatus, light on the blogging, light on the Facebook. I have been kind of anti-social lately. I think the hate, both pre- and post-election shook my faith in humanity. That is something that has been a bit tenuous at best over the last several years. So I took a bit of a break, limiting my time on FB, many days playing games but talking to no one. It was necessary, and it has hellped. I also stopped having a complex about deleting people. I hate the idea of hurting ayone's feelings but sometimes it is just a matter of self-preservation.

Teaching an old dog new tricks…

The other thing that got me was a not-so-fabby grade in one of my classes. I am not going to lie… I've been pretty proud of my grades thus far, especially since there have been literally decades since I have been in school full-time. But I blew my midterm in my Romance Novel class. I didn't get a horrible grade, a B+, but I totally know I could have done better. I deserved the damn grade, and I know it and it sucks. I am hoping it doesn't blow my GPA because I have had a 4.0 every semester running.

On the flip side, I am a bit disappointed with both of my writing classes this semester. I thought that both of them would involve creative writing, MY creative writing. Nope. Not at all. The Romance Novel class has been about reading and analyzing the romance genre, interesting, but not what I was expecting. We have a huge reading list, half of which haven't been discussed or really used. We have had two homework assignments that were kind of on the early high school level. We had one paper which was pretty simplistic, our midterm, and a final paper. That's it. It was an independent study class but I guess I expected some more input and in-depth study and writing. My other writing class has involved non-fiction. Each module consists of an article that we have to read and journal about. It's another independent study and there is only one other person in the class. We are supposed to discuss the pieces with each other but she never posts unntil AFTER the due date. So I end up talking with the prof or not at all. The final consists of a research paper. I like the professor but I have gotten nothing out of the class. I hoping next semester is different.

The other three classes have been fabulous. I love my women's criminology class and my forensic psych class, neither of which pertain to my major but taken just because I wanted to. They have been fascinating! The other class was a literature class, focused on Hamlet and Child of God. My mom was an English teached in my high school and she taught Hamlet but, because I was her daughter, I had the other teacher who didn't teach it so I never read it. The teacher was actually a friend of mine from high school, which was different. But she is pretty fabulous and I LOVED that class. It was a fantastic mix of students, some of which I got into some great discussions with.

Settling in…

Even though it is temporary, our house is starting to look like a home. We haven't unpacked everything because it is temporary, but at some point, you just have to make it a home regardless. On Black Friday, Corey and I braved the outside world long enough to go to the furniture and buy a new set of cocktail tables and matching coffee table, along with a spiffy media cabinet. All of which I love and on which we got a rockin' discount. We ended up paying just over $600 for about $1100 worth of stuff and they delivered it an hour later! For the first month we were here, we having been lamp shopping for the living room and just couldn't agree on bases and shades. I look color and pattern, he eschews it. Not easy! We finally found a pair of brownish-black, distressed wood bases that we both liked and I compromised on the shades. They are gray silk, crinkle-pleated shades that are beautiful when the lights are on. Yesterday we bought curtains and a rod for the living room, too, and they are gorgeous. We had Venetian blinds but there was still a glare on Corey's laptop. So we went curtain shopping, which I anticipated would be as easy as the lamp shopping. It took us only a record 30 minutes to compromise and buy. Amazing. We got a gorgeous rod with brownish-black marble-look finials and fabulous dusty teal curtains. I wanted a set of blue and white, almost Morrocan-inspired patterned ones, but the hubs hated them. Since he wanted some lovely (NOT) dark, poop-brown ones, I feel lucky that I got the ones I did, a dusty teal set of faux-silk panels with a tone-on-tone zebra pattern. They sound, admittedly, hideous, but the pattern is subtle and they look beautiful balanced against all the dark furniture and black couches. They only had two panels left, but I want four so I will have to keep watching for more to come in.

Aug 9 2012

Where is the line…

Posted on 9 August 2012 by Kim

The Serenity Train derailed today, at least partially. When it crashed, it took with it trust and respect, an almost tangible loss of both. And when it crashed, it gave me anger and hurt, the kind that makes getting that train back on the tracks a true test of my desire for change. Which I want so badly. Which I need so badly. It sounds so simplistic… I want to live more positively. But sometimes it takes a true concentrated and purposeful effort to do that, Sometimes it just isn't that easy to let go of the hurt and the anger.

I have started and restarted this post probably a dozen times so far. It's hard to get out what I need to get out without revealing details that aren't all mine to reveal. If they were, I would let it all out. But let's just say that the ramifications of the situation could affect someone I love very much, and it would entirely be the fault of someone else I love, the one that let me down today. And the thing that truly chaps my ass is that the things needed to solve the situation are within the grasp of the person who needs to take those steps… if they bothered with any regularity. But, instead, it is empty promises and pure laziness and selfishness… time and time again.

Where's the line? That is the question I am asking myself right now, in all different ways.

♥ Where is the line between living positively and allowing yourself to become a doormat by not standing up for yourself? I know that standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean screaming and yelling, but there are times that that is the only way you seem to be heard. Anything less than that and it is assumed that you are over it and things go right to where they started. And that solves nothing. What I want to say and what I did say are two different things. Inside, I was raging. Outside I was trying to be more diplomatic and positive in my behavior. But I have come away from it feeling like I held back and let them get away with more than they deserve to. And now I am left feeling resentful, angy, and hurt. The very things I am trying to get away from.

♥ Where is the line between nagging and trusting someone who has repeatedly let you down to do something on their own? I have four children. That is enough. I don't want to mother, and shouldn't have to, a grown adult by telling them out to do and by having to nag them to get it down. I guess I feel that the motivation to do what needs to be done should be found in the very person for whom these steps need to be taken. I also feel that, as an adult, they should have the personal responsibility to do what they know needs to be done. I hate having to nag an adult, but it seems to be my only recourse. And that is draining.

I feel like I am in a no-win situation. Time and circumstances have taught me that the person with whom I have issues at the moment is not the most receptive human in the world in these situations. If I want to avoid being lashed out at and yelled at, I basically have to walk on eggshells. And, truthfully, the negative backlash of those arguments are big part of the reason that I feel like I am in the hole that I am trying so desperately to escape now. I have made progress and I don't want to go back. But if I tell it like I feel it, I risk that. If I don't, I am filled with growing resentment and anger. The thing is… I am blameless in this situation. It isn't anything I can do or help with. But if I pipe up and advocate for the one who can't do it for themselves (the other person I love), I am often the one that gets yelled at. If I don't stand up and advocate, then that person could be irrevocably hurt.

So what do I do? How do I do it? Do I not give a damn about that line and tell them to shove it when I get crap? Or do I trust, again, that "this time it will be different"? How do I stay true to myself, both in positivity and in not being a doormat?