Aug 19 2012

The Stress Spiral

Posted on 19 August 2012 by Kim

The past few days have thoroughly tested me, over and over again. Not falling into old ways of thinking and old patterns has been, at times, a hell of a struggle.

I had a moment the other night when it felt like everything I was trying to do for myself lately was for nothing. I have spent a lot of time over the past several years feeling as if I am constantly fighting an uphill battle with my family, one in which I generally lose. There have been a lot of empty words in the past, words that never seem to have any sincerity behind them. Sometimes it feels like I spend most of my time fighting to be heard, to be recognized, to be valued, to be appreciated. Since getting out of the Army and being a stay-at-home mom, I have learned that it is very easy for your family to forget you as a person. It is like I have become something less than human. They have gotten used to me being always available, always doing the things that I do. They get wrapped up in their own lives and forget that I, too, have a life of my own, with dreams, thoughts, and needs of my own, My health has become an issue, especially over the last couple of years, and sometimes it seems as if none of them have even noticed that. I have a lot of resentment built up, something I am dealing with and trying to get past. But there are times when it isn't easy. The other night was one of those nights. It came after a day of having to constantly ask/nag for help, over and over again. Nobody was listening and it got to be too much. Nothing I said made a damn bit of difference, and it grated on me. I have given my "family is about being there for each other" speech about a billion times, right along with the "sometimes we all have to pitch in and help" speech, and it got to be too much. Same crap as always and it made me feel like my fight for myself was pointless and worthless. So, in that moment, I gave up.

BUT I didn't give up on me. I gave up on the argument. It was going nowhere and it didn't really seem to matter what I said about anything at that moment. So I opted to take care of me instead. I turned on my heel and went to bed. That is not generally me, but it was necessary. And it was probably the right thing to do because all the screaming and yelling and crying in the world wouldn't have helped. I don't know if I necessarily solved anything, but I kept if from going crazy out of control.

Today was a day of stress, too. Here we are, just days from moving, and our truck decides to have issues. We leave at dawn on the 29th and we have a pretty full schedule between now and then and it chooses now to have issues. I am on the verge of losing my mind as it is. There are two parts that need replacing. One is about $86 and the other around $800. Did I mention we are days from driving from New York to Arizona, by way of Montana? With 3 kids, 3 animals and dragging the other car on a trailer. A trailer that will cost us about $1000 up front. And technically homeless. We won't know until we get there about the availability of housing so there is the possibility that we will have to get an apartment and all the costs of that, too. So my stress level skyrocketed. There are times when I feel as if I live under a perpetual cloud of darkness. It sometimes seems as if we just can't get a real break, that the other shoe is just moments away from dropping on my head. Today was that day.

There was a moment in which I felt like I was going to explode. It seemed to be yet another example of the dropping shoe, another example of the black cloud overhead. But it passed in a nanosecond because I knew it would serve no purpose. It wouldn't change the reality of the situation. Me being crazy stressed and upset wouldn't fix a damn thing. So I breathed, just breathed, for a long, somewhat awkward moment. My friend Jenne and her husband Devon were here, saying goodbye, when Corey came home from his car guy's house with the news. Their presence was serendipitous. Devon is a car guy himself and knows how to fix it for far less, completely safe, and will work until we get to Arizona and can order the $800 part without fear of running out of money mid-move. So tomorrow, Devon and Jenne are coming back and Devon shall help Corey. And I will get another chance to see my beautiful friend one last time before I leave! And there will be crying!!

There have been lessons learned with all of this. In all of my stress, there have been moments when I almost felt like I was cheating on myself. Yes, I know how weird that sounds! But it is true. Trying to change and be more positive is fabulous, but it is also possible to get too focused on that, which I tend to do. I forget to give myself permission to feel even the bad things, and then feel guilty about it when I do. But it is okay to feel these things; they are a part of life. What matters is what you do with the stress, how you handle it.

Stress is not something I have ever necessarily handled badly, at least to the outside world. I can handle just about anything that is thrown my way, and take care of just about anything. I am efficient, strong, and capable. I can always be counted on to take care of business. That is what everyone around me sees. What they don't see is what that stress is doing to me inside. And that's where it's different this time. Am I still stressed? Absolutely. But I am not consumed by it. I am able to see the positive, and actually believe in it. That is new and different and makes a world of difference!

Just breathe… Tomorrow is a new day!

Aug 3 2012

Negativity and Joy!

Posted on 3 August 2012 by Kim

On Wednesday, I wrote a little bit about negativitiy and how I seem to be more and more aware of it, now that I am actively seeking to get away from it. But I have been noticing something else about it. It is annoying me more and more when someone is negative over seemingly ridiculous things. And that is sort of flying in the face of what I am trying to do with my life. I am trying to see and embrace the good, and let the bad roll off me. I am trying to concentrate on that which is positive and let the negative go without letting it poison me. But it is not coming easy to me. And it isn't because I myself am a generally a negative person because I am not. I have and have had my moments, sure, but so does most everyone. It is more because I am starting to see life differently and my priorities are changing.

And it has led me to stumbling blocks, particularly with people in my life. When talking about what to do about the negative people in your life, generally the first piece of advice given is to cut those people out of your life. I get the wisdom behind it, but that isn't always possible. Sometimes those negative people are your family and it usually isn't so easy to cut those people out. Sometimes the issues could be dealbreakers, but most of the time, they aren't. They are just draining. So what do you do about that? You can't force change on someone else, so how do you deal with those people and still stay true to yourself and to what you want and need? The fact is that not everyone is where I am, thought-wise. Not everyone believes as I do. Not everyone really understands what I am trying to do for myself. They may respect my right to it, but it is a bit on the "fluffy bunny" side for them. And that's okay. To each his own. But it doesn't change the fact that the negativitty is there and that it is draining.

I wish I had the answers because this is something I am dealing with, in and out of my family. Some of the negativity is pretty serious, some less so. But all of it is draining and that makes it all the easier to drag me down with it.

It's taken me all morning to come up with a list of things for the Friday JoyJam. Nothing spectacular has happened this week, but then I realized that what brings me the most joy are the little things. Little things like…

♥ Reading in bed at night while my husband is sleeping. It's quiet and no one is demanding a thing from me, very peaceful.
♥ How I felt swimming in the river last Sunday. For a little while, my extra fluffiness didn't matter. I felt cool and refreshed, physically and mentally. It felt amazing!
♥ Knowing that things are starting to change for me already. I L♥VE that!
♥ Seeing my crazy hair in the mirror. Currently it is a Smurf blue and it just makes me smile!

My hair. That can be a bone of contention sometimes. I am about 9 days away from 42 and so not a soccer mom. I missed my rebellious years by being in the Army and dressing like a shrub. I am all about being unique and yourself. I hate being "cookie cutter". I have no issues with being different. I relish it. But there are many that don't get it. And that's okay. It's my head, my life, and I love it. Over the past few years, it has been pink, blue, purple, and turquoise. And frequently a combo of more than one. Pink is my usual and my favorite. It has been shocking to me, the reaction to a 40+ year old woman with crazy hair. Some love it and some hate it. And those who hate it have zero problem making sure I know their feelings on the subject. I have been called names, been judged in unbelievable ways, made fun of in totally non-subtle ways. Okay. I think it is a bit ridiculous to judge one's personality, mothering skills, wifeliness, and character by hair color, but okay. I do my hair like this because it makes me happy. I love it and it makes me smile when I look in the mirror. My kids love that I am fearless with it and even my somewhat "vanilla" husband loves it, especially when it is pink. It is my badge, my creative expression, my little spark of Goddesshood.

But it has been a bone of contention in other ways. I hate copying. I hate having inspiration or creativity and havig someone snake it away for their own without making it their own. Changing it, making whatever it is unique to yourself. About a year ago, I met a woman. Just about the first thing she did was mildly insult/make fun of me and my hair. I let it go. We became friends. Within two weeks of knowing one another, her hair was pink. It annoyed me, but I dealt. I changed my hair back to blonde shortly thereafter. Within days, her normally brunette hair was blonde. I went purple. She went purple. I went blue. She went blue. I got pissed. I went red. She went red. I got more pissed. I went black. Guess what she did? Yup. I went to blond and brunette. So did she. I went back to pink. Hmmmm. Yep. And so on. Eventually it stopped when her husband came home and said no. Mind you, we live in a small town in upstate NY where women of a certain age do not do this to their hair.

It wasn't just the hair. It quickly became everything I did. It overwhelmed me, sapped my creativity, sapped me. There were other things, too, which added to that, but that is where it started. I lost my love for it because it wasn't mine anymore. It wasn't just that she colored her hair funny. It was the concentrated effort to be twins that I hated. But then I realized that I was letting her take from me what was mine to begin with. My love for it. It was and is soul food for me. So I have it again, this time in Smurfy blue. Some of my hair ♥ (pics are clickable for larger images):

Aug 2 2012

Making changes

Posted on 2 August 2012 by Kim

I am last priority. At least, that is the way it has been for a very long time. Last priority for the people around me and eventually last priority for myself. The first thing to go in the chaos of life is me, which I am trying to change. There are a lot of reasons for why it has been like that and my goal is to find a way to counter each and every reason.

Reason 1: We live in a pretty teeny apartment, the tiniest 4 bedroom flat I have ever seen. At any given time we have between 4 and 6 people living in this house. We have been here for seven years now, and the people living here have gotten bigger. Sounds silly, but it makes a difference. The humans have grown and so have the size and amount of their belongings. Because it is so small, it feels like we own more stuff than we do, but really it is just because we live in a what sometimes feels like a tiny toy house. Sometimes it seems like we are all on top of each other. I frequently feel like I have absolutely no place of my own to escape to in the madhouse, other than the bath and that doesn't always do it. It often seems like there is a place for everyone but me in this house/family. See Reason 5 for that!

How am I going to change things? Well, this one is actually going to be pretty simple. We are moving in 27 days and a wake up to Arizona. New house, more space. It's a time to spread out a little, have the room to organize, to live, to breathe. It will give me the chance to create a space for me. It doesn't need to be big. It just needs to be mine, to bring me serenity, to bring me relaxation.

Reason 2: My life can be pretty crazy. Crazy busy, crazy chaotic, and sometimes just plain crazy. I am a stay-at-home mom of 3 school age boys and another son away at college. I am the wife of an active duty soldier who is gone more than he is home. I am a full-time college student. I am also an aspiring author, working on my first novel. I am a busy chick most days. When there is a list of things to get done, it is pretty easy to dismiss as unimportant, even selfish, anything that doesn't move towards crossing something off that list.

How am I going to change things? This is where I have to give myself permission. Permission to take the time and the permission to not be Super Woman every moment of every day. I am not shirking my duties as a SAHM if the laundry doesn't get folded or if I don't make dinner every night, The cost of being Super Woman is often too high to pay, the price being my sanity and stress level.

Reason 3: There are times when I am just too exhausted to care. I have a health issue, a sometimes debilitating mold allergy that drains me thorougly. There are days when I am some level of sick all day and all night. It doesn't inspire trying to do anything for myself because I feel like hell tryig to do anything. After a long day, sometimes it seems like even the slightest effort towards doing anything for myself just seems like yet another thing I have to cross off my list. All I want to do is sit and chill out. But that isn't really doing anything for me. That's doing not much of anything. Sometimes a bath is enough, but more often, I need something a little bit more emotionally and/or spiritually upllifting than that. There are also a lot of times when making myself a priority means that I need one of the others to step up for me, and take care of things a little while I tend to myself. And that can be a bit of a struggle. Again, see Reason 5!

How am I going to change things? This, too, should change soon. The climate change in Arizona should go a LONG way to helping with my allergy. Once that starts to leave my system, I can get back to being healthy, losing weight, and working out. Right now, that is almost an impossibility because of the dizziness and nausea that are ever present. The weight is the easy part, since my issue isn't food-related but allergy-related. I can't wait to start feeling human again because this constant state of ick is draining in every way.

Reason 4: Time. Time to devote to myself sometimes seems like a selfish grabbing of time that is often in short supply. I have always been a "get the mission done" kinda girl, so anything less than that and I tend to feel like I am dropping the ball. Time alone. There are times when I can't even pee without one or more people knocking on the door, requesting assistance. And never is it ever anything that really couldn't have waited. I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about that, feeling like it is a sign of disrespect that I can't even pee without being interrupted. I can't seem to get anyone around me to respect that I might need some time to do anything without being interrupted. Case in point… this summer, in my break between classes, I wanted to devote myself to writing my book. Despite repeated conversations, it has become clear that this dream is going to be a huge struggle. I literally cannot get 10 minutes of uninterrupted time. This, too, has given me a bit of attitude. I gave up my beloved Army career to take care of my family. Because we are an Army family, the bulk of responbility that comes with a family is mine. With as much time as he is gone, this is the best way for us. It was the right choice for my family, but I loved it, and I loved the fulfillment it gave me. I read all these blogs about how fulfilled these moms feel. I am not one of them. Most of the time I feel used and taken for granted (Reason 5). College and writing are two of my biggest dreams and I guess I feel that I deserve to follow them after turning my life around to take care of my families. These are two things I want for myself and I give everything to my family, so I think I have earned it.

How am I going to change things? I have set my foot down. Things are going to change in Arizona. The husband won't be deploying anymore, at least while we are there, which could be the last 6+ years of his career until he hits 20 years. He swears up and down that he will be there to help me when I need it. That's great, but I have heard the promises and the words before so I guess time will tell. I am tired of fighting to be considered in this family so I hope my point has been made. He has, however, totally admitted that he has spent a good portion of time taking me for granted and that things will be different, so I hope.

Reason 5: I am the lone female in a house of testosterone. I have 4 sons, ranging from almost 9 to almost 20. I have a husband. That's a lot of testosterone to deal with. It sometimes seems like I live in a constant state of "them vs. me". It is WAY too easy for things to be dismissed/excused as "it's a guy thing" or, my personal favorite, "it's a girl thing". Both of which are think are total BS and are used as either justification to ignore me and/or my feelings or as excuses for bad behavior. I know that there are sometimes differences between boy thinking and girl thinking, but I also think that it is an easy answer sometimes to blame things on gender. It's a bit of a cop out sometimes, an easy answer rather than the harder effort to make amends or change or do something differently. Sometimes it is just a human thing. It's easy for people to take a SAHM for granted. She is always there until she almost becomes a piece of furniture. She ceases to have her own identity, her own life. I explain our family dynamic to them like this. Each person in the family is a slice of pie, except me. I am the pie plate. I am the glue that holds us together, that takes care of us. I am the one that everyone comes to when they need or want something, even when they have the means to do it themselves. But they each only see their own piece of the pie, their own needs and their own lives. What they don't get is that there are five of them, all with their own wants, needs, and demands from me. And there is only one of me to deal with them all. As I said before, the majority of the responsibility for and in this family is mine. I am okay with that because it is what works. What I am not okay with is that there is no appreciation for all that I do and have given to my family. I am the first person to be disregarded and dismissed in this family, without a thought, because they are so focused on their lives. I am nothing more than a piece of furniture sometimes, most of the time.

How am I going to change things? This is the one that is the hardest for me to sort out. It has been a non-stop battle for years and the underlying reason for a lot of the issues I have been having. The fact that I have been dismissed, taken for granted, and made to feel unimportant hasn't really helped my self-esteem or acceptance. I have to come to feel like my only value to this family, and to life in general, is found in what I can do for people. Not in who I am, but what I can do for them. Its the same feeling I have with most of my friendships, too, as I talked about in this post. I can change myself, but I can't force them to change. So I am at a loss with this one. I am hoping that this is one of those things that, as I change myself, will change with me. That maybe the changes in me will be enough to cause change in how I am treated, by my family and by friends

“We teach people how to treat us.” – Dr. Phil

These things don't make for a happy Kim. They make for a stressed out, frustrated, and often resentful Kim. Not a good Kim. Recently, I realized that I spend my entire life chasing a list of things to do and that most of them are for other people. I count, too. But how do you change that? My guys are in the habit of forgetting I am a person, and I led them there by forgetting it myself. And I think that is where change starts. With remembering who I am and that I am a person, worthy of more and better. Because no one else is going to believe it until I do.