May 13 2013

News on the baby front…

Posted on 13 May 2013 by Kim

I had my repeat amnio Friday, an event that is truly an experience in and of itself. A traumatic one at that. An amnio is not something that someone with an intense fear of needles ever wants to go through. The first attempt, 3 weeks ago, was an epic failure because my membranes weren't sealed enough for the needle to penetrate. So we went back Friday, after a tumultuous time with Tricare and my OB office. The first attempt failed, too, because the needle was too short to get where they needed to go after the baby moved. So I ended up having yet another attempt, close to my belly button, which required more than a little bit of digging around to get where it needed to go. To say that I did not enjoy the experience would be the understatement of the year. It was absolutely petrifying to say the least.

Before we did it, I had the longest ultrasound I have ever had in my life! But, in the end, I am happy they did…! Why? Look below and click for a larger view!

Yes, that's right! A girl! Who knew? I had pretty much resigned myself to the idea that I was only capable of producing boys! So a little girl is pretty amazing. Here's a few more clickable shots.

But I am still waiting on the results of the amnio itself. The FISH test is due tomorrow or Wednesday, the rest of the tests confirming it and the results coming over the next couple of weeks. I am terrified, thanks to the first OB from hell. And it being compounded by the judgments I am getting for how I am reacting to being pregnant and being pregnant with a girl. And that sure as hell isn't helping me at all.

The fact is that I am scared. Scared that there are going to be things wrong with this baby that mean I will never have her. And it will break my heart. I am afraid to fall in love with this child, afraid to let myself be happy, because I just don't know yet. It doesn't mean I don't want to be, just that I know what it will do to me if the worst comes to be. If the universe gives me my girl just to take her away, it will destroy me. I know this. And I feel like I have to protect myself until I know there is no need to.

But apparently that makes me a terrible person. I have had this conversation more than once, questioned to the point of interrogation about why I am not more excited, why I haven't started shopping and planning. I have explained, and tried to do it in a nice way with social cues that really should be picked up. And instead, I get lectured over and over about why I am so wrong and even intimating that, should anything go wrong, it is my fault for my way of thinking. I guess the fact that DNA is DNA and has nothing to do with it means nothing. But, yeah, it definitely helps to be told that I am at fault.

Why can't I deal with this in my own way and feel how I do without being judged for it, without being told how I should be and what I should do? This is my life, my heart. I am stressed beyond all that is imaginable about this and the judgments are doing nothing but making it worse.

Mar 8 2013

The good and the bad…

Posted on 8 March 2013 by Kim

The good…

Well, the telling of the children went well! I told Donovan who responded with a series of “OMG, OMG, OMG” before calming down. For the younger three, Corey set the stick down on the table and acted like he found it in the trash and somebody was in trouble! They sat in stunned silence for a moment. Scott and Ka’lani recognized it for what it was and just sat there. Corey told them to look at it, which they did. Ka’lani mutters “pregnant” at just about the same time Scott did. It took about 10 more seconds for them to get it and then they went nuts. Ka’lani squealed for about a half hour. Scott just sat there and grinned at me with a goofy face. Ty jumped up and hugged me and started kissing my stomach. He was the one I was worried about, seeing as he is my little man and super attached to me. Instead, he is all kinds of excited. So I am much relieved by that!

The bad…

I have clearly irritated some people by getting pregnant. I have had more than my fair share of snotty comments made to me about it. I also had a few be nice to my face and then go ahead and be passive-aggressively rude about it. I respect that there are those with fertility issues and such, but I didn’t plan my unplanned pregnancy to offend anyone. Hell, I didn’t truly think I still could get pregnant. So that sucks, but what exactly am I supposed to do about it? It definitely sucks, because I could really use a good friend right now about it.

In the meantime, it is what it is. I am definitely concerned about my age and all the issues that can come with that, but I can’t do anything about that for awhile yet. I am trying not to stress too hard about it, but it is really not easy to do. Today I go see the nurse on post for pregnancy counseling and to get set up with a referral to an OB/GYN in town to get my pre-natal started.

Holy crap. How the hell did this happen?! Yes, I know what leads to it (!) but I am still beyond shocked and a little freaked out about it!

Mar 7 2013

What a week,… and it is only Thursday!

Posted on 7 March 2013 by Kim

I don’t even know where to start! So much in just a short amount of time. Maybe chronologically…!

Prof Love

Goodness Kim, this is close to a masterpiece and completely publishable in a military oriented magazine or website.

-Professor Jeff Cahan

This is really the least of it all, but a moment that really made me feel amazingly good. The above is the first line of an email I got on Tuesday night and saw first thing yesterday morning. He is my Creative Nonfiction professor, commenting on a draft I wrote for the class. It was about homecomings, those wonderful nights when soldiers come home from deployment. That he felt this way really meant a lot. That Corey lost it while reading it last night meant even more. I’m on the right track!

Amazingly Brilliant Son Love

So Donovan decided to graduate a year early from college, even with a double major. This left him with many months less than average to complete his thesis and go through the grad school process. This year has been rough on him, crazy busy and stressed to the max. He called me yesterday at lunch time, sobbing hysterically to the point that, if it hadn’t been for Caller ID, I wouldn’t have known it was him. It scared the living hell out of me. But it wasn’t bad, it was amazingly, wonderfully good. He got into grad school at Boston University! It is a crazy competitive program, intense as hell because they do the same amount of work in 2 years that most programs do in 4. Only 15 people are selected, so he had to beat out several hundred for his slot. So awesome! It is one of the top schools in the country for forensic anthropology (think Bones) AND his first choice. I am so ridiculously proud of him!

And Baby Makes Seven

Yeah, you read that right. I am pregnant. You could have knocked me over with a feather. NOT expected AT all. A little scary, really, considering I will be 43 this summer. I honestly didn’t think I still could GET in the family way. I guess I can hope for a girl this time, huh?

I got a lot of love for it, which I appreciate. But I have gotten some hate, too. I am trying to be understanding about that, too, but I can’t deny that it hurts a bit.

It’s been a bit of a “what the hell” kind of week!

Feb 14 2013

Growing Up & the Meaning of Love

Posted on 14 February 2013 by Kim

Ty: Mom, I don’t ever want to grow up because I can’t imagine life without you. I would be lonely!!

Why, yes, Ty! You can have ANYTHING you want!

Life Without You

This is from a status I posted on Facebook last night. Out of nowhere, Ty ran up to me as I was sitting on the couch before dinner, threw his arms around me, and said those words. I melted, as I always do when a kid says something sweet like that. I have absolutely no idea what precipitated it, but I will take it when I can get it. At first, I thought it was just one of those kid moments, but then I realized his eyes were brimming with tears. What?! I asked him what was wrong and all he would say is that he loved me “SO much.” So we hugged, and we cuddled and that was seemingly it. But it wasn’t. I have been sleeping in the Lady Lair lately because the hubs has been coughing all night long and I need to get SOME sleep. Last night, Ty snuggled into me, sneaking his way into my heart and into sleeping in there with me. I was on my side and he snuggled in tightly behind me, wrapping his little arms around me and squeezing hard. Within moments, he was resting his cheek on mine and that’s when I realized it was wet. He was trying valiantly to stop the tears, but failing miserably. He told me again that he didn’t want to grow up, this time because growing up meant I would die. It was heartbreaking. He was just torn apart about it.

I have no idea what brought on this moment of impending mortality. On one hand, it made my heart cry for the pain he was so obviously in. On the other hand, it made my heart sing with the strength of his pure love for me. That is a pretty powerful thing, the sheer amount of love he was feeling for me. It was humbling.

The Meaning of Love

That’s what love is really about. The purity, the strength of it. Without conditions, without expectations. Just from the heart. It comes from yourself, from your kids, from your significant other, from your family, from your friends. But it is true and it is pure.

MMLove

Jan 15 2013

For the love and wisdom of Mr. Ty

Posted on 15 January 2013 by Kim

Blessed by camouflage…

There are times when it really strikes home just how much the Army does for my family, our lives and our futures. Admittedly, I am an Army girl through and through, regardless of whether or not I still wear the boots. The Army has given me a life I love and one that I would ever have had without it. It drives me insane to listen to people in the Army community bitch about the little sacrifices without acknowledging the bounty of benefits, too. Without the Army and its benefits, my son Ty would not have the life and the future he does.

Yesterday, Ricki Lake did a segment on her show featuring a young boy who was born with a bilateral complete cleft lip and palate. He had had 14 failed surgeries with little success and money was a factor for him, as well. I watched the segment while sobbing, listening to everything that beautiful little boy went through to get where he is now. The story was heartwarming, with Texas Ranger Mike Adams helping the little boy be connected with Operation Smile, ensuring he finally got the care he needed. You can watch the clip below.

My Ty was born with a unilateral complete cleft lip and palate, has had two surgeries and faces a few more. He has had remarkable success with his surgeries and we are blessed by that. Much of civilian insurance does not cover all of these surgeries, considering many of them to be “cosmetic” (and unnecessary rather than “reconstructive”. Take a moment to Google cleft lip and palate images and then tell me that these surgeries are not necessary for the lives of those afflicted. The issues are both physical and psychosocial and both are important. Without the Army and its medical benefits, I don’t know how we would have gotten the quality care that we did for our guy. So I am feeling blessed by camouflage right now!

The wisdom of Mr. Ty

Perhaps I cursed the boy, but after watching that yesterday, I was an emotional wreck. From the moment he walked inside the door from school, he was smothered by crazy Mama love! By bedtime, he had a fever of just over 100° and is home today. He’s maxing and relaxing on the other couch, as adorable as can be. But not too long ago, he stood up and made a declaration that left me speechless.