Tag Archives: memelicious

Nov 2 2012

A little Friday Joy Jamming!

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I am so glad this week is coming to an end.  Some of it has been pretty great, some of it pretty negative, all of it crazy busy.  

Lessons were learned this week, and not all of those lessons were all that uplifting.  A lot of the lessons just served to confirm that which my Inner Cynic already believes, that sometimes it just doesn't pay to stand up for yourself and/or something you believe in.  I have had some passive-agressive, indirect fallout this week in part because of my blog, and in part because I spoke up about something I believe in.  It has bothered me more than I would like to admit.  But this blog is my own.  It is my therapy, my feelings, my experiences, my journey.  It is not about hurting anyone, but about working my own way through things.  In reality, as I said in one of my posts this week, I think the person in question is a person with a big heart that would never intentionally hurt someone.  I truly believe that.  My writing about the situation was about exploring an issue that I see out there all the time, not just in this single circumstance.  Judgments and just how hurtful and hard they can be.  We all do it, whether we intend to or not.  The lesson is that we should all be more mindful of it, especially on the net, which makes it so much easier to say something that you would never say to someone face to face.  In the end, after the fallout, I was left feeling like I was nothing.  I felt judged unfairly.  It was made clear to me that my feelings didn't matter.  Instead, somehow I became the bad guy, put out there in a pretty aggressive way.  And that's what made it stick with me.  It felt unfair and unjust.  

But it is over now, pretty definitively.  I believe that there is something to be learned from every experience.  And the realitiy is that not every lesson learned is going to be positive.  That is something else I have learned on this journey, that it comes at a cost sometimes.  And sometimes that cost is a friendship.  

But, on the flip side, it definitely illuminated the value of true friendships, new and old.  It also taught me the value of just letting go.  After years of being a doormat, letting go of the anger and resentment isn't easy for me.  Sometimes it is just the principle of the matter, but it still needs to go in order to make room for the good.  It hurts to be judged and it hurts to be vilified for standing up for yourself.  But it is my right to do so.  So it is what it is.

A little Joy jamming on a Friday is a good thing!  The host blog's Joy Jam today is pretty uplifting, in the wake of Hurricane Sandy, too.

♥  Life lessons.  Yes, even the bad ones.  All lessons have value, one way or another.

♥  True and wonderful friends.  What more needs to be said?

♥  The little things.  Sometimes it is the littlest of things that make my soul sing.  The little kindnesses, the kind that make you feel like you matter!

Oct 24 2012

Wednesday Wishes

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Today's wish is about saying "yes".  This sounds so very simple, the simple act of saying or thinking "yes," of giving yourself permission to do whatever it is that you need to do.  But there is nothing simple about it, at least not yet and not for me.  Why is it so hard?  There are a ton of reasons why, all of which can seem insurmountable sometimes.  Fear, self-doubt, anger and resentment, life.  There is always that fear, wrapped tightly in self-doubt, that I will never be good enough, no matter what I do, at anything.  The fear of failure, of what others will think of me and whatever I do.  And the anger and resentment.  I have a lot of it, with certain things that happen over and over.  That just adds to the feeling that you are a failure, when those that are supposed to love you continue to hurt you.  It's draining and it colors everything in your life, until you can't see past it.  I had a realization not so long ago, one that hurt me to the core, one I am not even close to over.  I realized that there is a cold, harsh fact about my life and the people in it.  And that is that, by and large, anyone I have ever cared for or loved, has cared for or loved me far less than I have them.  Friends, family, relationships.  Sometimes that makes me angry as hell, but the rest of the time it just feeds the self-doubt.  Life itself can get in the way, too.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in the day to day, to be so defined by your role in life that you box yourself in, that you forget your identity as YOU.

So what do I want to say yes to?

♥  Yes to remembering what it was that made me fiery, and embracing it.

♥  Yes to being true to myself, no matter what.

♥  Yes to finding the good, even when it seems like there isn't any.

♥  Yes to being open, even when I hurt.

♥  Yes to letting go of the anger and resentment.  (This is a big one for me, one I am having all kinds of issues with.)

♥  Yes to taking care of myself… physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  The first thing that goes is me, and that has to change.

♥  Yes to believing in myself.

You are walking a path that belongs to you. The compass you need is in your heart. Honor yourself. Feel your truth in your throat like sweet honey. Let your heart bloom outward, a beautiful complex rose. There's nothing about you that isn't beautiful and no place on your path that isn't sacred.

-Lori-Lyn Hurley (a Facebook status this morning)

Oct 17 2012

Making wishes on a Wednesday

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It's been awhile since I have "wishcast" but today's prompt is a good one, and an important one.  Today's Wishcasting is about expressing yourself, and just what it is that you want to express.  There are a lot of things I want to express.  My feelings, my soul, my creativity, my story.  

But the real question is what do I really need and want to express?

♥  Me.  The real me.  The wild me.  The authentic me.  The me I used to be.  Not the me that everyone else thinks I should be.  Not the boxed up, socially acceptable, conformist me.  ♥

That's it.  That's what I wish for.  It sounds like a small thing, but it isn't.  Not for me.  The last several days have been a bit of a spiritual journey for me.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about just this sort of thing.  What is it that stopped me from living like that?  There are a lot of reasons, a lot of situations and experiences.  And they all seem to have come from outside of myself.  People telling me just how I am "supposed" to be.  How I am "supposed" to feel, to think, to dress, to act.  To not go overboard.  To not stand out.  

I have never been one to give a damn about what people think of me, but at some level, other people's expectations clearly molded me without my realizing it.  When did I start to care how other's saw me?  I have no idea, because I truly didn't think I did.  But I look at the changes from Wild and Free Kim to the Kim of now and it seems to be there.  Yes, I sport hot pink hair at the ripe old age of 42 and that makes me stand out on an Army base, especially when one is both a veteran and the wife of a senior NCO.  But that's just hair.  Being wild and free comes from the heart and soul.  Why should I be afraid to let that shine through?  That's just BS!  And I have no room in my life for that.

So that's my wish… to express ME, the real me.  The wild and free me.

Aug 15 2012

Wednesday Wishes!

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Craziness.  That is the word of the times.  Moving across the country with three kids, two cats, one dog, and two cars.  Leaving one college-age kid behind.  Leaving family and friends behind.  All of this leads to crazy emotional roller coasters.  

NOTE:  All pics are clickable into a new window for easier viewing!

My 42d birthday was this past Sunday.  Yep, that's me.  The 42 year old woman with blazin' blue hair, as opposed to my usual, more sedate hot pink.  Discretion and subtlety are boring, n'est-ce pas?!  I don't mind age;  it's just  a number.  Of course, my attitude about it is probably influenced by the fact that no one ever guess that I am the age that am!  But, alas, I am a cougar, 9 years older than my lovely husband, something I am not so secretly quite proud of!  So birthdays and aging don't bother me.  

Most of my dysfunctionally functional family gathered at my favorite local cantina for one last dinner together before we leave.  There was much laughter, much giggling.  There was even a fried ice cream, complete with sparkler, that was delivered to me amid much singing.  There was blushing on my part!  Then we left for the park to indulge in the opening of gifts and cake eating.  

I always get myself my own birthday cake, and this year was no exception.  The cake lady always laughs at me for what I have written on it.  Not with me, AT me.  But that's okay.  I like my cakes.  I watched my 3yo nephew happily smear it all over his face before resuming his chase with my boys around the park.  I watched my stepsister's boyfriend do as much chasing with her little one and mine as they themselves did.

And then the craziness began.  My brother had to work early the next morning, and had a two hour drive home.  That's when the craziness threatened to overtake me.  A hint, blue eyeliner and mascara, even if it DOES match your hair, is not a good choice when there are going to be emotional farewells.  My brother and I are close, very close, and knowing I am not going to see him for a long time?  It kills me.  In many ways, it has been him and I against the world.  A team.  I have been spoiled, being stationed here as long as I have.  It has allowed me to get used to being in one spot, not something that is normal in Army life.  And I am going to be leaving and it is hard.  

That was just the beginning of the goodbyes.  My stepmother was next.  And then tomorrow, I am helping my ex-stepmother and my brother Michael move him into the dorms of his new college.  The last act for a long time as a big sister.  It's going to kill me.  And then tomorrow, my son goes back to college.  I will see him once more before I leave, as we roll through his city on the way to our new destination, but it will only be for moments.  THAT is really going to kill me.  And I have one more shot at my parents, and that will be that for who knows how long.  And the goodbyes with friends have started, ad they are so hard.  But I have one final stop to make.  The cemetary.  To say goodbye to my grandparents.  I left after my grandfather died, but my grandmother was still alive, my connection.  This time, when I leave, I leave knowing I am leaving them behind.  I know that their souls are no longer here, that they will always be with me, but this place is my connection to them.

Grandma Ethel & Grandpa Vern

And this is where today's Wishcasting Wednesday comes in.  What do you wish to learn?

My answer?  I want to learn to relax, to zen out a little.  My husband tells me that I am the one person in the world who has no real clue how to relax.  Physically, mentally, in any way.  And he is right.  I suck at relaxing.  I don't even know how it is possible to be a epic failure at such a thing,  But I am.  I can't even relax when he is trying to massage my shoulders.  What I think is relaxed apparently feels like hardened concrete to him!  There is value in being able to relax.  It's good for the mind, the body, and the soul.  It's healing in so many ways and I need some of that.  So that is what I wish for myself.  

What do you wish for?

Aug 8 2012

Chaos, Birthdays, Apologies & Wishes

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A little bit of chaos…

We are down to 21 days and a wake up before the commencement of Operation Deister Roll Out.  The movers will be here in exactly 2 weeks and will pack up our house that day and the next.  Then, on the 24th, we say goodbye to most of our worldly possessions as they begin their own journey to southern Arizona.  The cleaners come on the 27th and Soldier Daddy signs out on the 29th.  And off we go onto the next chapter of our lives!  We are taking the long way to Arizona, going through Montana to see his dad along the way.  We are the perfect travelling companions, however.  He is perfectly willing and happy to do all the driving.  And me?  The only time I truly sleep is in the car so I should catch up on about the last 5 years on the way to our new home state!

It has been chaotic around here, getting ready to go.  We have been going through stuff, getting rid of that which we don't need or want anymore.  The best thing about moving in the Army is the actual moving process on the leaving end.  The Army moves you entirely, packs everything for you.  That totally helps relieve at least a little of the chaos!!  We are taking just enough with us to hold us until our household goods get there, and have to have enough that the boys can hit the ground running as they will essentially miss a month of school.  Not that it will take us a month to get there, but school in AZ starts a month earlier than here in upstate NY.  We are leaving here just shy of 2 weeks before school even starts!  

But the chaos on this end is probably nothing like that which awaits me.  We won't have an address until we get there, so we are essentially homeless from the 29th on.  And my own college classes begin on the 10th of September.  We should be in Arizona by then, but may or may not have an address yet.  And once we do, chances are we will be at least a week before we get our stuff, not to mention cable, phone and internet access.  Thank goodness for HotSpot service with my iPhone for school!!  Then comes the juggling of college classes and unpacking.   I have done the PCS thing about a bazillion times in my career, every 2 or 3 years, always on my own and generally with kids.  He has always had long-term assignments in his career and the one PCS move he had to do as a non-single soldier, he had me.  The husband and I have a bit of a system worked out, which will help… I HOPE.  He is more than willing to do the bulk of the unpacking as long as I tell him where stuff goes so that I can keep up with school.  That works for me!

Aging gracefully?!

And in the midst of the pre-move chaos, my birthday is Sunday.  The big 4-2, about which I could care less, despite the fact that I am a cougar with a husband of 33.  Age just doesn't really matter much to me, at least, most of the time.  I mean, what is 42 supposed to feel like?  Or 50?  Why is age such a big deal?  There is no rule book that says lays out what you are supposed to feel like or look like.  Why should you have to conform to someone else's definition of what age is supposed to be?  So, I will ring in my birthday with my peacock blue hair and love every minute of it!  I get myself a birthday cake every year that says "Happy Birthday to ME!" And this year is no different!  This year, I am approaching my birthday with a renewed spirit and a fresh outlook and I can't wait!

Apologies, schmologies.

I read a post today on Roots of She that smacked me across the face.  The post could have bee describing me.  It is about apologizing for anything and everything.  For other people's doings, for things that don't even need apologizing for.  Talk about a constant drain!  I never, ever looked at it the way Alisha wrote about it but every bit of what she wrote is spot on.  A chronic apologizer.  That is what I have been and still am.  I never thought about the ramifications of that and what it does to your own self-worth and how you view yourself and your thinking.  This is huge to me, and something I am so going to be working on changing!!

Making Wishes…

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday is about creating.  I had to think about this for a moment.  There are a lot of things I would like to create.  Some more tangible than others.  Some more important than others.  Some bigger than others.  Some smaller than others.

♥  I want to create a space in our new home.  A space for me.  I want a space that is comforting and inspiring and mine.  I want a space to create, to study, to write, to relax.  I live in a house of boys.  I want this space as an oasis for me.

♥  I want to continue on this quest of mine, no matter how hard and frustrating it can sometimes be.  Why?  Because I want to create a new and happier and better me.

♥  I want to write.  I want to create the words on a page that are in my head, heart, and soul and the publish.  A big dream!

♥  I want to create a routine once we've moved, one that gives me enough time for everything (including myself) and to relieve stress.  In that time, I want to have time to exercise.  My health is going to improve there, and getting back in shpe will finally be possible!