men | Multifaceted Mama

A present for me,…
I bought a new dress for myself yesterday, which I LOVE. It is a pink and borwn paisley kimono-style dress from Mlle Gabrielle, a designer for, um,… bigger girls above size anorexic 4. You can see it HERE. I am now just hoping that it gets here in time for Selina’s wedding on the 11th, since I am thoroughly unhappy with the two other possibilities I have in my closet. Of course, my angst could possibly be because of the body going INTO the dress rather than the dresses themselves! But we won’t talk about my body image issues right now, because I have neither the time nor the interest for it!

Life in general,…
So much is going on in my head lately (something that might surprise those who know me best!) and it has left me feeling wrung out, much like that nasty yellow sponge by the sink. I supposed part of it comes from the constant battle of wills that I seem to be engaged in with the men of this family. To quote my friend Joe, I feel like I have been dragged backwards through a keyhole. And other than enlarging the size of the keyhole, I really don’t know how to change that. I am thoroughly battle weary, but since the only other option is to take the crap that I am being served with a smile, and that is just not me.

The irony is that most of the battles shouldn’t even be battles at all. Most importantly, I really shouldn’t have to be fighting to be recognized at all. But that’s my reality. But all that aside, it still doesn’t ever need to get to the battle point. These conversations generally start out just like that, as conversations. But it is their reactions to what I am saying that turns what could be a healthy conversation into a federal issue. All the sexist crap about females being the ones to blow things out of proportion? I can tell you with authority based on extensive personal experience that it is bullshit. Because both Donovan and Corey get so defensive so fast that they cease to listen to anyone. And that is when the conversation becomes an argument. They become so snotty and disrespectful and it is so over the top. Even Corey admits he does it, not that that changes a thing. Last night was a perfect example of a conversation gone horribly wrong, without any help from me. He called and asked how I was. I told him the truth, that I was still hurt from the Kim-bashing the other night and from continued Donodrama. I wasn’t rude. I answered the question. I even told him that I knew that perhaps he hadn’t meant it to be a bashing, but that was how it felt. And I got instant snottiness and he bit my head off, basically telling me to get over it. Nice. So I did exactly what he has told me to do when he cops an unnecessary attitude. I called him on it. And that worked,… not at all. It just got worse, just like it always does. I pointed out that HE had told me to call him on it,… apparently a tactical error on my part. So that went well.

So, that began the talking him down portion of the phone call, something that never fails to irritate me. Nothing makes me happier than to have to talk down and soothe someone who just shit all over me, just to have an adult conversation. Do you sense my sarcasm? And so the conversation went on. I did get a few points across, things that he hadn’t realized or thought about before. And that is all well and good, but it won’t matter if he doesn’t take it to heart and do something about it. And even he admits, I have no reason to believe that he will, that there is anything beyond the words. So who knows? And then there is still the Donodrama.

I’m tired. Need a nap. Maybe a drink. DEFINATELY need a cabana boy.

Sometimes, being the understanding Army wife/vet really bites. I have barely heard from Corey since he left. I got a couple of quick phone calls when he was in Germany in transit, another quick one when he first got to Bagram, and a REALLY quick one last week. That’s it. And most of the time, I am totally okay with that. After all, I have been there and done that and know how it is. But I also know that right now, supposedly they are sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing while waiting for the weather to clear enough to fly to their FOB. Not only that, but I know that his soldiers seem to be able to be online with their spouses for hours in a day, you gotta kinda wonder what the deal is with my own spouse. I keep trying to not be hurt and to tell myself that he is actually busy and taking up the slack so the junior soldiers can call/IM home. But too many times, he has taken advantage of the fact that I am understanding and undemanding, and has forgotten that I have feelings, stresses, and worries, despite my knowing how it is. I have to be honest, it hurts, since, right or wrong, it seems like he doesn’t care enough to call. I am really hoping that it is just that he is busy, but it is hard to believe that when I know the circumstances.

It is so frustrating sometimes, the whole deployment thing and sticking up for yourself. You always have that “what if something happens” thought in the back of your head, so you don’t want to rock the boat and leave things on a bad note. But neither do you want to be a doormat and not have him know how you feel. So what do you do? It is almost like you feel like you aren’t allowed to be mad, but you are, and if you don’t tell them, that doesn’t help either, because you frequently end up resenting them. And it is frustrating in other ways, too. You can’t just text or call and work it out, so it sticks with you and you stress over it and it makes you feel worse and worse. I’m pissed off and hurt, and I can’t even find out if it is legitimate, or just the way it is. And that sucks. So I sit here, feeling alone and like hell and wanting to cry and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

I have had a lot harder time with this deployment and his leaving than I ever have before. I think part of it is the up and down of this past year, the death of my grandma and that of my friend, and all the other assorted drama that went on. Add to that the back and forth of getting him actually deployed, which was a lot harder than you would think. I guess I feel overwhelmed.

Trying to keep it all together is just not easy. I have 4 kids that I have to be strong for, so who am I going to cry to?!