I had my repeat amnio Friday, an event that is truly an experience in and of itself. A traumatic one at that. An amnio is not something that someone with an intense fear of needles ever wants to go through. The first attempt, 3 weeks ago, was an epic failure because my membranes weren't sealed enough for the needle to penetrate. So we went back Friday, after a tumultuous time with Tricare and my OB office. The first attempt failed, too, because the needle was too short to get where they needed to go after the baby moved. So I ended up having yet another attempt, close to my belly button, which required more than a little bit of digging around to get where it needed to go. To say that I did not enjoy the experience would be the understatement of the year. It was absolutely petrifying to say the least.
Before we did it, I had the longest ultrasound I have ever had in my life! But, in the end, I am happy they did…! Why? Look below and click for a larger view!
But I am still waiting on the results of the amnio itself. The FISH test is due tomorrow or Wednesday, the rest of the tests confirming it and the results coming over the next couple of weeks. I am terrified, thanks to the first OB from hell. And it being compounded by the judgments I am getting for how I am reacting to being pregnant and being pregnant with a girl. And that sure as hell isn't helping me at all.
The fact is that I am scared. Scared that there are going to be things wrong with this baby that mean I will never have her. And it will break my heart. I am afraid to fall in love with this child, afraid to let myself be happy, because I just don't know yet. It doesn't mean I don't want to be, just that I know what it will do to me if the worst comes to be. If the universe gives me my girl just to take her away, it will destroy me. I know this. And I feel like I have to protect myself until I know there is no need to.
But apparently that makes me a terrible person. I have had this conversation more than once, questioned to the point of interrogation about why I am not more excited, why I haven't started shopping and planning. I have explained, and tried to do it in a nice way with social cues that really should be picked up. And instead, I get lectured over and over about why I am so wrong and even intimating that, should anything go wrong, it is my fault for my way of thinking. I guess the fact that DNA is DNA and has nothing to do with it means nothing. But, yeah, it definitely helps to be told that I am at fault.
Why can't I deal with this in my own way and feel how I do without being judged for it, without being told how I should be and what I should do? This is my life, my heart. I am stressed beyond all that is imaginable about this and the judgments are doing nothing but making it worse.