May 13 2013

News on the baby front…

Posted on 13 May 2013 by Kim

I had my repeat amnio Friday, an event that is truly an experience in and of itself. A traumatic one at that. An amnio is not something that someone with an intense fear of needles ever wants to go through. The first attempt, 3 weeks ago, was an epic failure because my membranes weren't sealed enough for the needle to penetrate. So we went back Friday, after a tumultuous time with Tricare and my OB office. The first attempt failed, too, because the needle was too short to get where they needed to go after the baby moved. So I ended up having yet another attempt, close to my belly button, which required more than a little bit of digging around to get where it needed to go. To say that I did not enjoy the experience would be the understatement of the year. It was absolutely petrifying to say the least.

Before we did it, I had the longest ultrasound I have ever had in my life! But, in the end, I am happy they did…! Why? Look below and click for a larger view!

Yes, that's right! A girl! Who knew? I had pretty much resigned myself to the idea that I was only capable of producing boys! So a little girl is pretty amazing. Here's a few more clickable shots.

But I am still waiting on the results of the amnio itself. The FISH test is due tomorrow or Wednesday, the rest of the tests confirming it and the results coming over the next couple of weeks. I am terrified, thanks to the first OB from hell. And it being compounded by the judgments I am getting for how I am reacting to being pregnant and being pregnant with a girl. And that sure as hell isn't helping me at all.

The fact is that I am scared. Scared that there are going to be things wrong with this baby that mean I will never have her. And it will break my heart. I am afraid to fall in love with this child, afraid to let myself be happy, because I just don't know yet. It doesn't mean I don't want to be, just that I know what it will do to me if the worst comes to be. If the universe gives me my girl just to take her away, it will destroy me. I know this. And I feel like I have to protect myself until I know there is no need to.

But apparently that makes me a terrible person. I have had this conversation more than once, questioned to the point of interrogation about why I am not more excited, why I haven't started shopping and planning. I have explained, and tried to do it in a nice way with social cues that really should be picked up. And instead, I get lectured over and over about why I am so wrong and even intimating that, should anything go wrong, it is my fault for my way of thinking. I guess the fact that DNA is DNA and has nothing to do with it means nothing. But, yeah, it definitely helps to be told that I am at fault.

Why can't I deal with this in my own way and feel how I do without being judged for it, without being told how I should be and what I should do? This is my life, my heart. I am stressed beyond all that is imaginable about this and the judgments are doing nothing but making it worse.

May 1 2013

The stress is killing me…

Posted on 1 May 2013 by Kim

Despite my love for my blog therapy, I have been completely unable to get beyond a sentence or two for a few weeks. I have been so completely overwhelmed with stress with the baby and with school that I often feel like a broken record. Not even my blog has helped relieve that.

Baby News

I was supposed to have my amnio on this past Monday, which would have meant answers by Friday. Well, that didn't happen so I have had a non-stop series of mini-breakdowns since Friday afternoon. The OB's office called me mid-afternoon Friday and told me that Obstetrix (the high risk pregnancy center out of Tuscon) had not received the Tricare referral number they needed. Tricare has been a mess since they switche carriers from TriWest. Things are backlogged, records screwed up. I have spent a good portion of my time on th phone with them, trying to get my referrals straight. It hasn't helped matters that, in the midst of this, I switched OBs, too. So I called Tricare. It was still pending but they told me that if I had Obstetrix call the Medical Management office, they would immediately set it straight and everything would be okay. So I called Obstetrix, but they weren't the referring office; the OB was. I called the OB office back, told them this, and the receptionist refused to call because she thought it would take too long. I had already had one attempt at the amnio so she had me call Obstetrix back ang get that referral number because it should be the same. Turns out I never should have had the attempt because it was never in the system for referral. They had called my old OB that day and she submitted the referral for the retry appointment, the one that is pending. When I switched OBs, all the referrals in place with her switched one for one to my new doctor, so there was no issue there. I called the OB once again and the receptionist absolutely refused to even attempt it. Now I understand not being able to spend hours on the phone, waiting for an answer, but she could have at least tried. I talked to those people about 4 times in this process and had no problem getting through. By this time, I was in tears. Nothing I said made a difference, despite the fact that my stress and angst was very obvious. So no appointment. I have an OB appointment tomorrow and something better change with this.

I realize that many probably think I am making too big a deal out of this, but it is what it is for me. I recognize that part of my problem is the horrific experience I had with the first OB, but some of it is because I know just how high risk I am. My gestational diabetes, while borderline, still isn't always where they want it to be, no matter how I eat. My glyberide doses have changed so maybe that will help. But the fact remains that there a lot of things that can go wrong. And as my original OB has repeatedly told me, there is still a good chance that my baby will have issues that are incompatible with life. The longer this amnio, and my answers, get put off, the more my options and choices diminish. The bottom line is that I need answers. The stress is not doing me any good. I cry a ton and I spend a whole lot of time not sleeping.

School News

I love my school; I truly do. My issues are simply with this one professor. Nothing seems to be getting any better on the school front. No matter what I or my mentor do, my professor seems to be completely unmotivated to do anything at all. The semester is over on Friday and I am no closer to a resolution of it than I was before the semester began. My mentor has tried to get results; I have tried to get results. Nothing. It is truly irritating.

SUNY Empire State is the biggest in the SUNY system, with campuses all over the place, including overseas and on military posts. I go to the Center of Distance Learning portion of it. They offer classes in a bunch of different formats. Most of mine are regular CDL online classes, taken through the Angel bulletin board system. I also take a lot of independent study, thanks to my creative writing major. Those are either through the CDL itself or considered to be "college-wide," where the instructors are assigned to specific campuses with my university. Both of my classes in crisis are with the same professor, CW independent studies with her assigned to the Central New York zone.

Because she is not CDL, my mentor has had to go through her local boss, upon whom I am waiting for a phone call to discuss my issue. With the semester two days from the end, a resolution would be nice. Fortunately for me, I am a email hoarder and have proof up the wazoo. A bunch of resolutions have been suggested by my mentor, so I guess I will see,

Resolution 1: Withdraw without penalty, but then I would have to pay back my tuition.
Resolution 2: Have her get her act together and spend my summer "off" finally doing the courses.
Resolution 3: Find another teacher teach these classes, but they are obscure subject.
Resolution 4: Find another teacher to teach me other classes that fulfill the same requirements.

Frankly, I need answers and resolutions here, too. GRRR!

Apr 12 2013

Feeling defeated…

Posted on 12 April 2013 by Kim

I am feeling more defeated by the day with this pregnancy, defeated to a point that I am finding it hard to get past it. It is just pushed into my face again and again how high risk I am. My age, my weight, the gestational diabetes. I understand all of these things. Is it really necessary that it be said over and over and over again, even in a single conversation? I know how old I am. I know the risks. I know how much I weigh. I know the risks. I know I have gestational diabetes. I know the risks. I also know that I can't do anything about my age. It just sort of happens. I also know that my weight is not from being fat and lazy and eating all the time, which is the implication every time it is pointed out. My weight is the result of almost 7 years of being ill. I also know that I am doing all I can for the gestational diabetes.

Last week, I saw the nutritionist and she spent the entire time talking to me like I was purposely fat just to hurt my baby. She talked to me in a very slow speed, as if I were too stupid to understand multisyllabic words. She didn't want to hear anything I had to say. It's insulting.

I know that the doctor means well and is trying to take care of me and my baby and I appreciate that. But her bedside manner and tact need work. I don't need to be told multiple time how old I am, how fat I am, how high risk I am. I counted today and in a single 20 minute consultation, these three things were brought up 18 times. That is not necessary. We all know I am old. We all know I am a bit overweight. We all know I am high risk. Like the nutritionist, she doesn't always want to hear what I have to say, dismissing me as if I am trying to blow sunshine up her ass. Or talking to me like I am an idiot. She was bombarding me with info about tests and screenings today, one right after another. I had a question regarding the difference between two procedures and she ripped the papers she had just given me right out of my hand with a huge sigh of disgust. Was that really necessary? Did she have to make me feel even worse in the midst of a stressful situation? Not to mention the lovely paper cut I now have.

Does it have to be slammed in my face constantly, as if I am at fault for things that haven't even happened yet? I am not an idiot. I get that I am high risk. I don't need to be told this ad infinitum. I understand it. Having it pushed in my face all the time does nothing but add to the stress, the fear, the worry. Is it necessary to constantly make me feel as if I am the scum of the earth for getting pregnant? Is it necessary to make me feel like I am a terrible person? Is it necessary to treat me as if I am a dolt with no brain? I can't escape it.

Jul 8 2011

I don’t get paid enough for this BS.

Posted on 8 July 2011 by Kim

I swear sometimes that I must talk to my children in Swahili. Or serious issues with English comprehension. Or they are suffering from senility. Maybe all three. Dealing with various children yesterday and today have led me to think that conversing with drywall would have been far more engaging. I am about to bash my head repeatedly against that same drywall. The simplest things seem to be beyond them. I say something, they respond to it with some form of understanding, and by the time the complete the 180° turn to walk away,… it’s like I never spoke. It’s small stuff, but it is literally happening nonstop to the point where I think I am going to lose my ever loosening grip on reality. Sometimes I look at them and want to ask them if their brains are functioning at all, but that probably wouldn’t be very nice.

Jun 14 2011

Even a chimp can learn a habit in 3 weeks,…

Posted on 14 June 2011 by Kim

But apparently my 9yo cannot. I’m telling you, it is a battle of wills lately, and I think he is winning that battle. What he lacks in reason and legitimacy, he has the stamina to stick with it no matter what. He is going to win by default simply because he has worn me down until I am nothing more than a burbling puddle of human goo. Either that or my head is going to somehow become a fully rotating appendage and begin spinning out of control as I spew pea green vomit.

He is so defiant, yet manages to not be overtly so. If it’s possible, he is very polite in his defiance. Which, I realize, on the surface sounds either impossible or not a big deal. It isn’t so much the severity of the individual acts of defiance, but the frequency of them that gets to me. It doesn’t matter what it is about, chances are he is either going to totally ignore what I am saying or he is going to agree, and then do what he wants anyway. And most of the stuff is relatively little, but we go through this over and over and over and over and,… well, you get the point. But while most of it is small stuff, I feel like you still have to sweat it because if you let that go, it sets a precedent that Mom’s directives are more of a suggestion and it makes it that much easier to ignore EVERYTHING I say. And that just isn’t good.

I have yelled, I have talked, and I have internally lost my mind. To no avail whatsoever. It’s gotten to the point where it feels like a slap in the face. I have talked to him so many times, explained it so many times. We have talked about why it’s wrong. We have talked about the fact that, like it or not, I am the mom, and sometimes there are reasons that he might not necessarily know about for the things I say and do. We have talked about the fact that while maybe there are times when he doesn’t understand, there are reasons, that age has given me wisdom he doesn’t have yet. I have told him that it hurts my feelings when he doesn’t listen to me, that it is to the point where he is, by his actions, telling me that I am not important enough to listen to.

I am one frustrated mama.